Happy Heavenly Birthday Malachi

Today is Malachi's 5th "birthday".  It's so hard to go by dates, because he died well before this date, but this is the date I delivered his body and got to hold him.  But this is the day we "celebrate" him.  I cannot believe it has been 5 years.  I wonder what he would be like.  What would it be like to have 3 boys, aged 9, 7 and 5?  I'm sure even crazier than it is with just the two!  Who would he look like?  What kind of personality would he have?  Of course, if Malachi had lived we wouldn't have our little Abby here with us!  She is such a joy, though stinker of a 3 year old!  So, its hard to be too sad, when we've been blessed again with another, ya know?  But I still miss my baby boy...dream about him...love him...  I look forward to meeting him, hugging and holding him, kissing him in heaven!  Happy birthday baby Malachi!

In Loving Memory

This morning I had an opportunity to attend a Memorial Service for a fellow "Mommy" who's baby went to heaven all too soon.  I clearly remember the phone call I received last week and the reawakening of feelings  as I was told  that this dear mommy's baby had died in her womb.  Her story sounded so similar to mine- baby died about 16 weeks, going to hospital to be induced, delivering a precious baby boy.  And here today, on a beautiful, sunny August morning we got to honor this precious baby's life, to mourn with this family and to rejoice in the precious life that was given them, if even for a short while.

It was a beautiful setting.  A glorious sunny morning with a beautiful breeze waving the branches of the trees above us.  Music softly playing.  A beautiful table set out to hold too tiny a 'box'.  Flowers with significant meaning surrounding the table- red, white, yellow, blue.  People.  Lots and lots of people there to support a mommy and daddy and to remember a precious life.  Tears.  They came naturally, as I know too well the pain that goes along with a day like today.  It seems so unfair.  Why should we have to bury a baby, our child, ahead of ourselves?  A child who never breathed a breath in this life.  One we held, yet had to let go of.  My fellow '"mommies", there to support one of us.  We all know.  We all grieve for this family, yet we also feel our own grief.  All too raw.  Wide open, split apart, tears falling. 

A beautiful service.  Daddy carrying his precious baby in a 'box' to be set before us on the table.  Speaking words, through tears, of Hope.  Mommy & Daddy, brother & sister, family placing flowers in honor of their precious baby.  Fellow "mommies" placing a white carnation in memory of our babies.  Too many mommies.  Heartbreaking.  We are not alone and yet it's not comforting to see other's who have been there.  To see even the tears of one from the funeral home, a woman who has "seen" death and worked with families numerous times, yet still touched by such a tiny life.  A butterfly flitting through the service.  I noticed that small gift, amazed.  Comforting words, words of Hope, spoken by God himself, our source of hope.  That is how we make it through.  That is how this fellow "mommy" and "daddy" can get through each day- our Hope.  Grief and tears.  Yet our Hope, He knows and He holds us.  He grieves too.  Releasing balloons.  Blue and white into a clear blue sunny sky.  Beauty.  God's gift- truly.  The release is so difficult.  Do we have to let go?  It signifies so much. 

Five years!?!

Has it really been five years since I miscarried our little baby "Grace"?  I remember that day like it was yesterday and yet at the same time it seems like forever ago.  As I sat upon the time last night I couldn't help but marvel that this little one would be 4-5 years old!  Maybe Grace would be starting kindergarten this year!  What would it be like to have this child running around, amongst the siblings?  Would Grace be just that 'full of grace' or would I need an extra measure of grace for this child?  As much as I wish for this child to be here I also can't help but be thankful that "she's" not...if "she" were we wouldn't have our little A, who is almost 3.  Isn't it funny how that works out?  Just as I old little baby N in my arms, I think about Nathaniel.  If Nathaniel had lived baby N wouldn't be here.  Not like I wish for one child to live and one to die, but God knows.  I rest in Him, knowing He knows this is best for the children, for our family, even though the pain stinks.  And one day I will meet our little Grace in Glory!  Maybe "she" will be the one to greet me and introduce me to Malachi and Nathaniel!  Meanwhile, even though I don't know if this baby was a boy or girl, I can't help but picture this blond long haired beauty running through fields of flowers, sitting on Jesus' lap and smiling the biggest grin. 

Family Changes

Well, I've had a new baby and it is amazing!  I feel like I really neglect this blog and I'm sorry if you come looking for more and there's nothing.  I just had to come on here to say a few words.  Just because I have a new baby doesn't mean I don't think about Nathaniel.  Not a day has gone by that I don't gaze at our new little girl and wonder if he would look as she looks.  What would life have been like with him here?  On the other hand, I wouldn't have this little girl to cuddle and love on if Nathaniel hadn't gone to heaven.  How do you find balance in that?  It's not like I wished him gone or want him gone, but at the same time I sure want baby N here too.  I remember it was the same after losing Grace and Malachi when I finally had A.  I didn't want to lose those two babies but then I wouldn't have had little A to grace our lives.  I think of the lyrics, "You give and take away, You give and take away, Lord blessed be Your Name."  He gives and He takes away and we simply need to praise Him in it all, as difficult as it is in those times that He takes away.  So friends, whether the sun is shining down on you or you're found in that desert place, hang on and continue to praise His name. 

One

It has been one year since baby Nathaniel.  That is so hard to believe.  The year has been so difficult and challenging.  I never would have thought I'd get through it, but here I am.  I've been preparing myself for this day (mentally) as much as I can!  Yesterday as I was driving in the car the song "I Can Only Imagine" came on the radio.  I just let myself lose it.  It felt so good.  This morning as I was laying in bed thinking on this day I put the song "I Will Carry You" on by Selah and just let myself cry again.  It's hard not to wonder what our little boy would be like today if he were here on earth.  He would be about 7 months old.  Probably crawling around.  It'd be neat to see him interact with his siblings and my friend's baby boy who is 9 months.  But alas, he is so much better off where he's at! 

The other day I had to go to the doctor and was at the same office where we found out he had died.  I was just one day shy of hitting the one year mark since we'd found out (we found out on the 2nd).  That was difficult and I try to avoid that office if I can!  Just brings back too many memories of that horrendous day...here we were so anxious to see if our baby was a boy or a girl and we found out he was no longer living.  Talk about a gut punch!

Some people think that because I have another baby on the way I should just...I don't know, not forget about him, but not dwell on it.  Not like I do dwell on it.  And boy I am so thankful for another baby on the way (not sure if I've even mentioned that on this blog), but it doesn't take away the pain of losing a baby, or the gap that that leaves in our family.  Those who have experienced the loss of a baby know what I mean.  And I think about how I wouldn't have our sweet two and a half year old, or even the baby on the way, if we hadn't lost the babies we've lost.  It's so crazy to imagine life without them (even though this baby is not here yet).  Yet, its so difficult to think about what we're missing with our babies in heaven. 


This morning the kiddos and I got balloons and went to Saylorville Lake and released them (I sure wish hubby were here to have joined us, but he is deployed).  I wanted to sing Happy Birthday or something out there also but I was so hot and that little two year old I mentioned was not happy about no longer having her balloon!  Sweet 11 year old told me later on that she got a bit teary.  I was just too overwhelmed with my hugely pregnant body and 4 kiddos to feel much of anything!

I don't know that I can say I'm thankful for this past year, but good has come from it.  I hit the lowest point in my life during that time, but I learned to keep holding on to God and finally allowed Him to pull me up from that tiny strand of string into His arms again.  I came to new heights in my walk with Him, my eyes were opened to things they otherwise wouldn't have been opened to.  I met some amazing women through Mommies with Hope that I probably otherwise wouldn't have met.  They were (and still are) a huge support.  I was even able to minister, encourage and pray for other's who have since had babies die.  Yesterday my 11 year old said, "Why do your babies have to die?  Why can't it be somebody else's?"  I don't know the answer to that.  But I know that I wouldn't wish other's to have babies die, for the pain can seem so unbearable.  I do know that God can take the ashes and create beauty.  I'm so thankful for His patience and love for me this past year, for His grace as I struggled to hold on to Him.  I'm thankful that, if even for a short time, I got to carry yet another child within.  I'm thankful that one day I can hold my son in heaven- that we'll be reunited for eternity.

Well, it's Christmas

Here we are, Christmas is almost behind us.  I've been thinking of so many of you, my dear friends, today.  I have friend who's babies have died or mothers, or someone close to them this year and it's you who's been on my heart.  I've also thought about my own baby.  As I was singing to my sweet A tonight, putting her to sleep, I began crying as I thought about how I could also be singing to my sweet little Nathaniel.  I about busted up crying in church last night, thinking how it'd be his first Christmas and seeing other little babies who were celebrating their first Christmas.  It is just not easy, is it?  As we ate dinner I pondered how I'd maybe be nursing our little babe at the same time.  It was a busy morning with presents and a quiet day otherwise, but there were moments where I thought of my precious baby and wondered how this day would be different with him here.  I'm really thankful this year is almost over...2010 has been a very difficult trying year.  I'm praying 2011 will be filled with so many wonderful, new beginnings.  God is good.  I'm thankful for all He's taught me this year through losing Nathaniel.  I just pray I always remember and carry the things with me.  Merry Christmas to you all!  I say this with a somewhat heavy heart as I know it's maybe not as merry as it 'could' be. 

Ornaments

This first one, it's hard to read.  On one side it says Nathaniel Larry.  On the other the date, June 3, 2010.  I made this at a Grief Symposium I attended.

The G is for baby "Grace", the M for Malachi.  What great additions to our tree this year!  For me not being very craftsy I'm proud of how they turned out!