It has been one year since baby Nathaniel. That is so hard to believe. The year has been so difficult and challenging. I never would have thought I'd get through it, but here I am. I've been preparing myself for this day (mentally) as much as I can! Yesterday as I was driving in the car the song "I Can Only Imagine" came on the radio. I just let myself lose it. It felt so good. This morning as I was laying in bed thinking on this day I put the song "I Will Carry You" on by Selah and just let myself cry again. It's hard not to wonder what our little boy would be like today if he were here on earth. He would be about 7 months old. Probably crawling around. It'd be neat to see him interact with his siblings and my friend's baby boy who is 9 months. But alas, he is so much better off where he's at!
The other day I had to go to the doctor and was at the same office where we found out he had died. I was just one day shy of hitting the one year mark since we'd found out (we found out on the 2nd). That was difficult and I try to avoid that office if I can! Just brings back too many memories of that horrendous day...here we were so anxious to see if our baby was a boy or a girl and we found out he was no longer living. Talk about a gut punch!Some people think that because I have another baby on the way I should just...I don't know, not forget about him, but not dwell on it. Not like I do dwell on it. And boy I am so thankful for another baby on the way (not sure if I've even mentioned that on this blog), but it doesn't take away the pain of losing a baby, or the gap that that leaves in our family. Those who have experienced the loss of a baby know what I mean. And I think about how I wouldn't have our sweet two and a half year old, or even the baby on the way, if we hadn't lost the babies we've lost. It's so crazy to imagine life without them (even though this baby is not here yet). Yet, its so difficult to think about what we're missing with our babies in heaven.
This morning the kiddos and I got balloons and went to Saylorville Lake and released them (I sure wish hubby were here to have joined us, but he is deployed). I wanted to sing Happy Birthday or something out there also but I was so hot and that little two year old I mentioned was not happy about no longer having her balloon! Sweet 11 year old told me later on that she got a bit teary. I was just too overwhelmed with my hugely pregnant body and 4 kiddos to feel much of anything!
I don't know that I can say I'm thankful for this past year, but good has come from it. I hit the lowest point in my life during that time, but I learned to keep holding on to God and finally allowed Him to pull me up from that tiny strand of string into His arms again. I came to new heights in my walk with Him, my eyes were opened to things they otherwise wouldn't have been opened to. I met some amazing women through Mommies with Hope that I probably otherwise wouldn't have met. They were (and still are) a huge support. I was even able to minister, encourage and pray for other's who have since had babies die. Yesterday my 11 year old said, "Why do your babies have to die? Why can't it be somebody else's?" I don't know the answer to that. But I know that I wouldn't wish other's to have babies die, for the pain can seem so unbearable. I do know that God can take the ashes and create beauty. I'm so thankful for His patience and love for me this past year, for His grace as I struggled to hold on to Him. I'm thankful that, if even for a short time, I got to carry yet another child within. I'm thankful that one day I can hold my son in heaven- that we'll be reunited for eternity.
