You know, when I first heard about this retreat I thought, "I can't go- it's the weekend before what would have been my due date and I just can't do that." Well, the more I thought about it the more I thought about how good it would be for me. Little did I know just how good it would be. I think if I hadn't gone I'd be mulling over the what if's and why's. But because I did go I keep replaying in my mind the various things I learned. That's not saying that Wednesday will be an easy day, or even the week for that matter, but my mind is on other things- those which are TRUE and PURE (Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.) Praise God!
Another thing that really spoke to me this weekend was about finding joy in all circumstances. Of course I keep hearing this but have been struggling to find out how. How do you find joy when you're told your baby has no heartbeat? How do you find joy when you're told your baby is going to die? We so often think of joy as a feeling...like happiness. But it is a state of mind. Lysa said we can't let our circumstances dictate us. How true is that! And how often do we do just that!?!? She talked about how maybe God is protecting us from something or has something better in store for us in regards to "bad" circumstances. Those are both things I've pondered through my losses. And so we need to keep these things in mind and let God work! It's sure not always easy.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I Am ABLE
Wow! I am just amazed at this weekend! I knew I'd have a good time, but I honestly didn't know how blessed I would be. It was a wonderful weekend of fellowship and TRUTH, laughter and tears. God is just so good. I know I've struggled with saying that over the past 4+ months, and it's not like things are 'perfect' in my life right now, but He has continually been showing me so much- and so much of the same TRUTHS!
I'm not even sure what facet to share tonight. I'm so tired and am only going to share a bit tonight and I'm hoping to have more time to really blog tomorrow- and more brain power ;) Well, the speaker at the retreat today was Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 Ministries. I'd heard of the P31 ministry in the past, heard bits and pieces on the radio and over the past months have frequented the site and Lysa's blog. But I had no idea what an awesome speaker she truly is! She spoke on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." One nugget of the many, many I gained today was in regards to the part of giving thanks. I'm horrible at giving thanks! I'd rather complain, grumble and stomp my feet at a task (though I don't always do this, sometimes inwardly I am). Well, here's what Lysa shared, "Instead of saying I have to do the laundry. I have to ______. I have to _____. Say "I am able to ______. I am able to _____." Lysa said, "We don't have to live our lives- we are ABLE to live our lives." Think of how blessed I am to do laundry for my family, feed my family, shop for my family, TEACH my children, minister to my husband! It really is a blessing! I pray my words will begin to change to "I am ABLE to" so then my heart will begin to change as well.
I'm not even sure what facet to share tonight. I'm so tired and am only going to share a bit tonight and I'm hoping to have more time to really blog tomorrow- and more brain power ;) Well, the speaker at the retreat today was Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 Ministries. I'd heard of the P31 ministry in the past, heard bits and pieces on the radio and over the past months have frequented the site and Lysa's blog. But I had no idea what an awesome speaker she truly is! She spoke on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." One nugget of the many, many I gained today was in regards to the part of giving thanks. I'm horrible at giving thanks! I'd rather complain, grumble and stomp my feet at a task (though I don't always do this, sometimes inwardly I am). Well, here's what Lysa shared, "Instead of saying I have to do the laundry. I have to ______. I have to _____. Say "I am able to ______. I am able to _____." Lysa said, "We don't have to live our lives- we are ABLE to live our lives." Think of how blessed I am to do laundry for my family, feed my family, shop for my family, TEACH my children, minister to my husband! It really is a blessing! I pray my words will begin to change to "I am ABLE to" so then my heart will begin to change as well.
Friday, October 29, 2010
To the Jeweler
First, when you're reading this I will be on my way to the Mommies with Hope retreat. Please be praying for all of us ladies, for safe travel and open hearts to what God wants us to learn from the weekend. Second, my BFF is always writing 'open letters' on her blog (which normally crack me up) and I wanted to follow suit (without revealing the name of the place)!
Dear Local Jeweler,
I came into your shop today so see about simply switching a charm and dangling stones from one pendant on my necklace to another. You took each piece in the back and were gone for about 5 minutes working on my special piece of jewelry. When you returned it was just the way I'd hoped! When I asked if I owed anything you thought about it for quite a bit and then responded with a "No." I am very thankful to you for your work. I did not purchase my necklace from your store but had it made just for me. You see, it is very special to me. Not only does it say 'forever in my heart' but it also says the names of my babies in heaven. I treasure this piece of jewelry. You did not know that. But your 'gift' of service to me meant the world to me, a mother simply wanting to 'hold on to' her babies in some way. Thank you and may you be rewarded for your kindness.
A Happy, Fulfilled Customer
I have to say that trying to blog every day this month has had its challenges. Some days I've felt like, "Now what do I say?" Sometimes I have to go back to read my blog to make sure I haven't posted something before I begin to type! I'm hoping I'll continue the trend of blogging here regularly but am not sure if it will be daily. Well, I guess I have until Sunday to keep up with the daily business ;) Have a great weekend!
Dear Local Jeweler,
I came into your shop today so see about simply switching a charm and dangling stones from one pendant on my necklace to another. You took each piece in the back and were gone for about 5 minutes working on my special piece of jewelry. When you returned it was just the way I'd hoped! When I asked if I owed anything you thought about it for quite a bit and then responded with a "No." I am very thankful to you for your work. I did not purchase my necklace from your store but had it made just for me. You see, it is very special to me. Not only does it say 'forever in my heart' but it also says the names of my babies in heaven. I treasure this piece of jewelry. You did not know that. But your 'gift' of service to me meant the world to me, a mother simply wanting to 'hold on to' her babies in some way. Thank you and may you be rewarded for your kindness.
A Happy, Fulfilled Customer
I have to say that trying to blog every day this month has had its challenges. Some days I've felt like, "Now what do I say?" Sometimes I have to go back to read my blog to make sure I haven't posted something before I begin to type! I'm hoping I'll continue the trend of blogging here regularly but am not sure if it will be daily. Well, I guess I have until Sunday to keep up with the daily business ;) Have a great weekend!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Is Your Faith Like the Wind?
First I have to say that I love the traffic I'm receiving here on my blog! I have no idea who y'all are, though suspect who some of you are, but it is great! Like I said before, if I could just reach one person with one word of encouragement then my blog has served the purpose I hoped. Also, I finally figured out yesterday how to get comments emailed to me (duh, I have that enabled on my other blog, you'd think I'd have known what to do) so hopefully I won't be going back through posts to see comments I missed ;)
Last night as I was reading in bed I was listening to the wind. It got me to thinking how amazing wind is. It's so much like our faith. We can't see it but we can see the effects of it. It's been so windy here, as I know it has throughout much of the country, and I've seen lots of things blowing in the wind. Garbage, leaves, flags. I even watched our wooden fence being affected by the wind. I was surprised to see that our umbrella that goes with our table on our deck was very sturdy for I thought for sure with some of the gusts that it'd snap in half.
How much is our faith like that? We certainly can't see our faith, but we should see the effects of our faith. We should be leading fruitful lives- not only carrying out the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, etc) but we should be fruitful in leading others into a relationship with Jesus. Just like we see bent over trees and such from the wind we should see good things coming from us walking out our faith in Jesus. I need to daily be reminded to bring forth good fruit in my walk.
Last night as I was reading in bed I was listening to the wind. It got me to thinking how amazing wind is. It's so much like our faith. We can't see it but we can see the effects of it. It's been so windy here, as I know it has throughout much of the country, and I've seen lots of things blowing in the wind. Garbage, leaves, flags. I even watched our wooden fence being affected by the wind. I was surprised to see that our umbrella that goes with our table on our deck was very sturdy for I thought for sure with some of the gusts that it'd snap in half.
John 3:8
The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
How much is our faith like that? We certainly can't see our faith, but we should see the effects of our faith. We should be leading fruitful lives- not only carrying out the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, etc) but we should be fruitful in leading others into a relationship with Jesus. Just like we see bent over trees and such from the wind we should see good things coming from us walking out our faith in Jesus. I need to daily be reminded to bring forth good fruit in my walk.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Staying busy to avoid the thoughts
It's been one of those times where I think I've just been keeping myself super busy so I don't have to think about what's approaching- "due date". I remember reading about this recently on the Mommies with Hope blog too. I even keep seeing on facebook posts about people having babies. I am so happy for them, but part of me hurts, but at the same time (so far) it's not 'as bad' as I anticipated. But I think it's because of my busy-ness and trying to not think about it. And I haven't brought myself to look at pictures- I just quickly browse through statuses.
However, yesterday as I sat with my daughter and did her Bible time I just began to cry as I was praying. I went on to pray for all of us during this time, explaining what day was approaching. It then brought her to tears, though I think it was more the fact that she saw me crying, although she did ask why Nathaniel had to die.
It's just funny the roller coaster it is. One minute all seems fine, the next something triggers a thought and I could be having a meltdown. I must admit it is really difficult at this point to think that I'd probably be holding our little boy in my arms by now (I've never gone to 40 weeks). Today I'd be 39 weeks. I remember when I was even thinking of having another c-section (which I totally changed my mind on right after I really considered it) I was thinking I could have the baby on my dad's birthday- which was Monday. So, it's not always easy, but honestly I just haven't let myself get too much time on my hands to think about it. I guess it's a good thing I decided to go to the Mommies with Hope retreat this weekend because prepping for that has taken a lot of time and thought that I'd probably otherwise use on the 'what ifs'.
However, yesterday as I sat with my daughter and did her Bible time I just began to cry as I was praying. I went on to pray for all of us during this time, explaining what day was approaching. It then brought her to tears, though I think it was more the fact that she saw me crying, although she did ask why Nathaniel had to die.
It's just funny the roller coaster it is. One minute all seems fine, the next something triggers a thought and I could be having a meltdown. I must admit it is really difficult at this point to think that I'd probably be holding our little boy in my arms by now (I've never gone to 40 weeks). Today I'd be 39 weeks. I remember when I was even thinking of having another c-section (which I totally changed my mind on right after I really considered it) I was thinking I could have the baby on my dad's birthday- which was Monday. So, it's not always easy, but honestly I just haven't let myself get too much time on my hands to think about it. I guess it's a good thing I decided to go to the Mommies with Hope retreat this weekend because prepping for that has taken a lot of time and thought that I'd probably otherwise use on the 'what ifs'.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
They'll never be forgotten
Isaiah 49:14-16
But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me." "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me." "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
Amazing! We are never forgotten!!! AND so often we wonder if our babies will be remembered by anyone but us. The answer- YES! GOD has ENGRAVED them, each intricate part, on the palms of His hands. It brings me such comfort!!!!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Power
I am so amazed today. We so often hear about prayer and positive thinking that it almost becomes cliche. But, I was determined that since it was a Monday and all that I was going to have a GOOD day. So often we drag our feet about Mondays, don't we? Another work week or school day ahead of us. But I didn't want that attitude. And you know what? Today was GREAT! My husband started taking a class tonight and so I could have thought, "Oh gee, ALL day with 4 kids with no help from my hubby?" (because he is a great daddy around here), but I didn't allow that thought to enter in! I just kept pressing on, doing the next thing...doing the work as I recently read in an incourage devotional. I kept thinking to myself that I was going to rise above, as I'd read in another devotional. And I did! Was my day perfect? By no means! But I look back at my day and I'm so thankful for it! I haven't felt that way in a long time, folks. This is amazing! Like an awakening! Slowly, I am healing! Also, prayer...ah...prayer. It helps! It works! Why don't we use it more??? Just a bit ago the thought also occurred to me of how I fell asleep last night. Most often these days I listen to Christian songs that have really been ministering to me. Last night I listened to the message Teske posted about on the Mommies with Hope blog. I fell asleep at the very end so need to go back and catch that, but it was great. I woke many times last night with a tickle in my throat, coughing away, and every time I lay my head back down my mind kept going back to that message! What an awesome way to fall asleep- with the TRUTH resonating in my brain!!! These breakthroughs sometimes seem few and far between, but ever so slowly I am seeing HIS LIGHT again! Praise, ALL PRAISE and GLORY be to HIM, my JESUS, my FATHER!!! And a Happy birthday to my earthly Daddy! I love you, Dad!!!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Not Prepared
Nobody ever prepares us for the words, "I can't find a heartbeat" or "Your baby is going to die" or some such thing. There are so many things in this whole process that people don't prepare us for. Can you relate? One thing is weight gain. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for a broken toe and was 16 pounds over my normal weight. I never even gained that much while I was pregnant! Then I went back this past week for an infection I had- I was 2 pounds over that 16 pounds! That's almost 20 pounds OVER my normal weight! It is so disgusting and frustrating and makes me feel so nasty. Now mind you, I'm 'normally' on the "low end" for my normal weight so it's not like I'm even overweight right now. But still- I certainly can feel those extra pounds and I just think to myself how I sicken myself. I've had to buy new clothes and yet still can't stand the rolls hanging over my pants!
It is something people never prepare you for. They never tell you you'll gain weight after you lose a baby. Yet it is part of grief. It just stinks that on top of everything else we have to go through in losing a baby we also have to deal with weight gain! I'm really hoping that I can start losing but it doesn't look too promising. After all, the holidays are approaching. I love baking at this time of year. I keep meaning to head in the basement and exercise on the treadmill but then I forget and it just doesn't get done. I was thinking maybe Zach and I should have our own 'Biggest Loser' competition ;)
Have you experienced weight gain with your grief? Have you overcome it? What have you done? It always seems I don't lose the weight until I get pregnant and have a baby and nurse. Nursing has done the trick for me in the past...but I don't want to wait until I may possibly one day do that!!!
It is something people never prepare you for. They never tell you you'll gain weight after you lose a baby. Yet it is part of grief. It just stinks that on top of everything else we have to go through in losing a baby we also have to deal with weight gain! I'm really hoping that I can start losing but it doesn't look too promising. After all, the holidays are approaching. I love baking at this time of year. I keep meaning to head in the basement and exercise on the treadmill but then I forget and it just doesn't get done. I was thinking maybe Zach and I should have our own 'Biggest Loser' competition ;)
Have you experienced weight gain with your grief? Have you overcome it? What have you done? It always seems I don't lose the weight until I get pregnant and have a baby and nurse. Nursing has done the trick for me in the past...but I don't want to wait until I may possibly one day do that!!!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Gift
The pictures simply do not do this blanket justice. It is just beautiful and so very touching. S, my friend, has a similar blanket of her own that was made when she was a baby. Each of her children also have their blankets. How thoughtful to have one made for me by the same woman who has made them for her family all these years! What a treasure indeed!
This is all that is says on the blanket:
Nathaniel Larry
When Jesus sent you to us~ we loved you from the start.
June 3, 2010
6:36 pm
You were just a bit of sunshine from heaven to our hearts.
26.5 g
11.5 cm
name means
a gift
lifetime verse
Isaiah 43:10
Not just another baby, for since the world began
There's been something very special for you in HIS plan.
That's why HE made you special
You're the only one of your KIND.
WOW, huh? It is AWESOME and touching and just...wow. You wanna know something else so cool? The past few weeks I've been desiring, wishing I had a blanket from him. I've just had a desire to hold a baby blanket of 'his' close to me. I never told a soul that desire. But God knew. Even before that desire was born in my heart, HE knew. He is so good to us, friends! How He cares for us and our desires!!! This blanket is such a special treasure!!! Again, thank you so very much, S!!! And thank you, Lord Jesus!!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friends
I have been blessed with some AMAZING friends through the years. When you go through a loss sometimes we have friends that have 'been there' and get it, sometimes we have friends that haven't walked this road and yet truly seem to understand and other times we have friends who just don't get it. I have a friend here in Iowa who miscarried her second baby over six years ago. She has been awesome through the whole thing- truly a friend like Proverbs 18:24 describes it like this, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." She is truly that kind of friend. From the first text I sent her telling her my baby died, to the tears that have often fallen along with mine. The various hugs she's given (and she is not a 'hugger') to the listening ear. She's said the right things at just the right time and discerned when to just be silent and listen. She grieves right alongside of me. She had a baby 8 weeks ago, a boy. We'd dreamed of our babies being buddies. We'd talked about hitting garage sales for all the baby stuff. We can imagine our two little boys running around, laughing and playing (when they got to be that age of course). The loss is not just mine. She feels it too. Today she gave me the most meaningful gift. I knew she was planning something to give me "around the time of my due date" but little did I know what it was. I will share tomorrow a picture and the significance. Thank you, Lord for such a thoughtful, loving sister in Christ. Thank you, friend, for being that friend who loves at all times.
Antisocial
First of all, I'm sorry I didn't blog yesterday. I was having serious computer issues but I think it's all finally resolved! Just a word of advice, totally not on topic, do not download AVG 2011! I've used the previous versions and never had issues, but this one is awful!
Anyway, back to the title of my post. Lately I've been feeling almost antisocial. I've been getting out plenty to do things, but as I'm home I am almost fearful to go out lately. I'm wondering if it is because my "due date" is approaching. Maybe I fear a breakdown in the middle of people I barely know? Yesterday I went to the park and I didn't really want to talk to people! I had a good 'excuse' for awhile as I was chasing my two year old around the playground, but then I did need to be friendly with the others who were there. I think lately I've been feeling more sensitive to things people say, even if it's people that have no idea of my loss, and so it's almost better right now to try to avoid that. Have you had situations like that? I'm sure I'm not alone! Even in the wee hours of the morning as my two year old woke me up I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't get together with my friends today." WHAT!?!? I'm totally not like that! I was thinking how great it would be if somebody would take my kids and I can just lay in bed all day, or finally get around to looking at the box I put the mementos of Nathaniel in. Just a day to let it really sink in, to really grieve and to be able to allow the tears to fall.
On another note, yesterday I emailed my husband about some struggles I was having. I was sharing how thankful I am for Mommies with Hope and that there are people there who truly understand what I'm going through. His response still brings tears to my eyes. He simply said, "Well, I understand what your goin thru! :)" Just what I needed!
Anyway, back to the title of my post. Lately I've been feeling almost antisocial. I've been getting out plenty to do things, but as I'm home I am almost fearful to go out lately. I'm wondering if it is because my "due date" is approaching. Maybe I fear a breakdown in the middle of people I barely know? Yesterday I went to the park and I didn't really want to talk to people! I had a good 'excuse' for awhile as I was chasing my two year old around the playground, but then I did need to be friendly with the others who were there. I think lately I've been feeling more sensitive to things people say, even if it's people that have no idea of my loss, and so it's almost better right now to try to avoid that. Have you had situations like that? I'm sure I'm not alone! Even in the wee hours of the morning as my two year old woke me up I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't get together with my friends today." WHAT!?!? I'm totally not like that! I was thinking how great it would be if somebody would take my kids and I can just lay in bed all day, or finally get around to looking at the box I put the mementos of Nathaniel in. Just a day to let it really sink in, to really grieve and to be able to allow the tears to fall.
On another note, yesterday I emailed my husband about some struggles I was having. I was sharing how thankful I am for Mommies with Hope and that there are people there who truly understand what I'm going through. His response still brings tears to my eyes. He simply said, "Well, I understand what your goin thru! :)" Just what I needed!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
It just comes out of nowhere!
Grief, that is. Yesterday I was driving to see my counselor in Des Moines. Yes, I see a counselor. I probably have like 8 sessions left. I can't remember if I've posted in the past about it. Anyway, I digress. As I was driving I had to pass the exit for the hospital. It just choked me up. To think that any day now if things were different I could be on the way there to meet our little boy. It just totally struck me. Today I was thinking what a great day I'm having. The sun is shining, we finished most of our school before lunch (that always constitutes a good day in my book) and I just felt pretty good. Well, somewhere out of the blue in crept a thought. I can't even remember what that thought was now. Something about my baby or being pregnant or of that nature. It just hits. Out of nowhere! I know I've said it before. Before I knew it I had a few tears in my eyes. I imagine I'll be this way over the next few weeks as my 'due date' approaches. Which is why I decided to continue seeing the counselor for now. It just helps to go and talk to somebody about it.
Two weeks. My 'due date' is two weeks from today. I dread it. And two of the gals in the Bible study I'm in are also going to be having tough weeks ahead...one was due a week after me and the other miscarried last year right around the same time. So I imagine there will be some tough times ahead, some weepy posts. But I just want to be honest. We're not alone in our grief. It stinks that others are here or have been here or will be here but it is reassuring to know what we're feeling is normal. I can still say, "God is good"
Two weeks. My 'due date' is two weeks from today. I dread it. And two of the gals in the Bible study I'm in are also going to be having tough weeks ahead...one was due a week after me and the other miscarried last year right around the same time. So I imagine there will be some tough times ahead, some weepy posts. But I just want to be honest. We're not alone in our grief. It stinks that others are here or have been here or will be here but it is reassuring to know what we're feeling is normal. I can still say, "God is good"
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
We are USED by GOD
I've shared this article in the past few months and wanted to share this snippet from it again:
As he drew his message to a close, he posed this piercing question to mothers: “What if miscarriage was God’s means of showing mercy and love on a human soul, and if He chose you to be the honored vehicle to usher that child into eternity?
“Miscarriage is for a moment; a soul is forever.”
I cannot wait to have the funds to order this new DVD from Vision Forum. I'm curious what Doug Phillips has to say about it.
Monday, October 18, 2010
What's in a Name...
This pretty much explains the name of the blog. Our babies are safe in the arms of Jesus- where they don't have to face sin, tears, hurts or disease. They were created with a purpose- heaven. Heaven is their home. We wish we could hold them, cuddle them and love them here on earth, however. We don't know or understand why and we desire them like nothing else, yet God knows what is best. It's sometimes hard to believe, but just keep hanging in there (I'm telling this to myself too). One day I will see my babies again!!!! Will you?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Why another blog?
You may be wondering why I started up yet another blog! My 'normal' blog is private. I was blogging every day this month for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month and I thought to myself, "Who are my posts helping? My blog is private." So I thought about starting another, one that's public and specifically for pregnancy & infant loss. If just one thing encourages just one person who needs it then I have accomplished my purpose. I do not want to 'take away' from other encouraging sites relating to these issues. I do not claim to have all the answers, I simply share with you my heart, my hurts, my teachings, encouragements, etc. I remember after I lost Malachi the desire that burned in me to minister to others. After losing Nathaniel I didn't have that desire. I just wanted to sulk in self-pity and deal with my own wounds. But now my heart is slowly being drawn to helping, my eyes being opened to what God desires to do through me and through the lives of my babies in heaven.
~Welcome~
Welcome to my blog. This is an account of the road we've traveled down in regards to the losses of our babies. As I began to put these posts together into this blog I was amazed to see so many similar feelings from each loss. I've lost three babies. If you scroll through my blog you could learn about each one. My story started in 2006 when we were hit with a miscarriage. Here I'd always joked about my pregnancies before that- my first pregnancy I ended up with chicken pox. My second pregnancy I broke out in hives from a medication and my third pregnancy I had a seizure in Wal-Mart. So I'd always laugh and joke around, saying, "What next?" Little did I know what was next!
Amongst our devastation's and losses God has brought us hope. He has held us. He and He alone. As much as sometimes I've wanted to run as far away from God as I could possibly go there was no way- I simply couldn't do it. It took all my strength to hang on, but I did. And some days, some moments I feel that that is all I'm doing- hanging on with a fingernail, by a thread. And now once again, as 4 months ago we lost our baby boy, I'm realizing just why we have suffering. I hate it. But I know God will use it. We can use every single thing we go through in life for God's glory. It isn't always easy. And maybe His glory won't always be revealed. But we can try. We can continue to get up over and over again. This is where I'm at today...at this moment. I know joy will come. We have the promise of His joy.
Amongst our devastation's and losses God has brought us hope. He has held us. He and He alone. As much as sometimes I've wanted to run as far away from God as I could possibly go there was no way- I simply couldn't do it. It took all my strength to hang on, but I did. And some days, some moments I feel that that is all I'm doing- hanging on with a fingernail, by a thread. And now once again, as 4 months ago we lost our baby boy, I'm realizing just why we have suffering. I hate it. But I know God will use it. We can use every single thing we go through in life for God's glory. It isn't always easy. And maybe His glory won't always be revealed. But we can try. We can continue to get up over and over again. This is where I'm at today...at this moment. I know joy will come. We have the promise of His joy.
Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
So, my friends, if you are experiencing a loss and you don't know where to turn, just look up to our Savior, Jesus. And wait. Your joy will come! Our joy is coming!
**I hope to add more to the blog so bear with me. There are so many links out there that have ministered to me that I would love to share, so keep checking back. Thanks for visiting!
**I hope to add more to the blog so bear with me. There are so many links out there that have ministered to me that I would love to share, so keep checking back. Thanks for visiting!
Remembering our Babies
Friday, October 15, 2010
Four Simple Words Oct. 15, 2010
"How are you doing?"
Just four simple words. Words we ask so flippantly, so often. Yet words that can really mean so much to a person who is hurting. Just yesterday as I was driving to the store I was pondering these words. We tend to ask this question of people often, expecting their simple answer of, "fine, good, ok". When we ask this, are we really, really wanting to know how people are doing? It's such a formality. And that is ok. I am known to do this quite often! I think also, our tone of voice can depict how we truly mean this question, as can our surroundings. Passing an acquaintance in a store, we may say hello, ask how they're doing and move on to buy our items.
So often people ask, "Hey Jamie, how are you doing?" I am honest and answer "Okay." I'm not good, not bad, just "Okay." But we don't have a chance to elaborate, or feel we can. Does that make sense? I'm guilty of this just as much as the next guy. Do I really want to know how she's doing when I ask her? It's something we really need to think about. It's something we need to practice- to truly care about how they're doing.
Last night I went to a Mom's Night Out with the women from our homeschool co-op. I think most women there last night at least 'know of' my recent loss. As the night wore on I was able to sit by K, a woman who grieves in a whole different way. You see she has one child. She tried for 5 years for this child and was blessed. Since then they've desired more children but the Lord has not yet blessed her womb. She grieves for the babies she hasn't yet been able to carry. She can empathize, in a sense, my grief. So, as our group began to break down into little conversations around the room she turned to me and asked, "How are you doing?" in the most sincere, caring voice, truly wanting to know the answer. I answered. I thanked her. And I praised God for hearing the thoughts I'd had earlier in the day!
Just four simple words. Words we ask so flippantly, so often. Yet words that can really mean so much to a person who is hurting. Just yesterday as I was driving to the store I was pondering these words. We tend to ask this question of people often, expecting their simple answer of, "fine, good, ok". When we ask this, are we really, really wanting to know how people are doing? It's such a formality. And that is ok. I am known to do this quite often! I think also, our tone of voice can depict how we truly mean this question, as can our surroundings. Passing an acquaintance in a store, we may say hello, ask how they're doing and move on to buy our items.
So often people ask, "Hey Jamie, how are you doing?" I am honest and answer "Okay." I'm not good, not bad, just "Okay." But we don't have a chance to elaborate, or feel we can. Does that make sense? I'm guilty of this just as much as the next guy. Do I really want to know how she's doing when I ask her? It's something we really need to think about. It's something we need to practice- to truly care about how they're doing.
Last night I went to a Mom's Night Out with the women from our homeschool co-op. I think most women there last night at least 'know of' my recent loss. As the night wore on I was able to sit by K, a woman who grieves in a whole different way. You see she has one child. She tried for 5 years for this child and was blessed. Since then they've desired more children but the Lord has not yet blessed her womb. She grieves for the babies she hasn't yet been able to carry. She can empathize, in a sense, my grief. So, as our group began to break down into little conversations around the room she turned to me and asked, "How are you doing?" in the most sincere, caring voice, truly wanting to know the answer. I answered. I thanked her. And I praised God for hearing the thoughts I'd had earlier in the day!
Strong Enough Oct. 14, 2010
It is so weird. I've been going through old posts to add to my new blog. While I try not to read things, I do catch bits and pieces so I know what is appropriate for that blog. Well, so many of them sound the same as they do now! I experienced the same things with each baby lost as I do now. It just seems crazy to me.
I told Zach I want to do something special on my 'due date', though at this point I haven't come up with anything concrete. I do have ideas though. Do you have any thoughts or ideas for me? I was just talking to my mom today about the holidays. Here I'm so set on trying to get through my 'due date' that I can't even think about the approaching holidays. But today I was thinking about how hard Thanksgiving will be...and a fleeting thought of Christmas. My mom is thinking about possibly coming for Christmas. I think that would be wonderful. I think it would "help" me so much to have her here! Nothing like a mama's company, right? But, like I said I really can't even "go" there.
I'm so very thankful I don't have to rely on my own strength to get through these times. I'm so glad I have a Rock, Anchor, Fortress, Strong Tower that I can ran to! Speaking of strength, these are the lyrics to Matthew West's new song 'Strong Enough'. It couldn't really sum it up any better. This is the story behind the song. You can listen to this song here.
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
I told Zach I want to do something special on my 'due date', though at this point I haven't come up with anything concrete. I do have ideas though. Do you have any thoughts or ideas for me? I was just talking to my mom today about the holidays. Here I'm so set on trying to get through my 'due date' that I can't even think about the approaching holidays. But today I was thinking about how hard Thanksgiving will be...and a fleeting thought of Christmas. My mom is thinking about possibly coming for Christmas. I think that would be wonderful. I think it would "help" me so much to have her here! Nothing like a mama's company, right? But, like I said I really can't even "go" there.
I'm so very thankful I don't have to rely on my own strength to get through these times. I'm so glad I have a Rock, Anchor, Fortress, Strong Tower that I can ran to! Speaking of strength, these are the lyrics to Matthew West's new song 'Strong Enough'. It couldn't really sum it up any better. This is the story behind the song. You can listen to this song here.
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
Blow by Blow Oct. 12, 2010
Last night my dear A would not fall asleep. She was so tired that she just could not stop crying. Finally I laid her in my arm and began to sing 'Jesus Loves Me'. I made it through the song two times before I just lost it and she crashed at last. I realized I will never get to hold little Nathaniel in my arms and sing songs to him and put him to sleep with my horrible singing voice. I just sobbed and sobbed as I held her in my arms. Today I went to my friend's house. Her baby is 7 weeks old. A just adores him. She was so eager to hold him, give him his pacifier. It just breaks my heart to see her missing out on having a baby brother. I found out yesterday a good friend of mine here is having a baby boy. She lives down the street from me and our daughter's play often. It's going to be another piece 'missing' when she has her baby- to think our boys could have played together also. Sigh. As my due date approaches I cringe. I'm so scared for that day to come. To think tomorrow I "would" be 37 weeks. I'd be huge, uncomfortable and anxious to meet my baby. Sigh.
Grieving the loss of yourself Oct. 11, 2010
I am hoping in my spare time (what spare time, I'm not sure) to make another blog that can be public dealing w/infant loss, miscarriage, etc. I hope to 'transport' my posts from this blog onto that, even as far back as baby "Grace". We'll see how this goes!
On another note, reading Becky Avella's book, 'And Then You Were Gone' (which I've mentioned before) something really struck me. She talked about how you're forever changed by the loss of a baby. Obviously. She talked about how you need to also grieve how you change from this- that you will never be the same person. It just totally struck me. I mean hear you grieve the loss of your baby, but you also grieve the loss of yourself, ya know? I've never even thought of that before. I mean I know I've changed drastically with each loss, but never thought about how I have to deal with my 'change'. Just something I've been pondering. I have to be honest with you that I don't like the 'new' me. Sure, God gives us these things to 'grow' us and in some ways I have but in others I just feel so lost, questioning and searching, angry and feeling hopeless at times. And let's talk about the physical- it is sickening! I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Nathaniel and more than I have in well...I don't know since I've been pregnant? It is frustrating! I always seem to 'gain' weight after I lose a baby but c'mon! So, I've been skipping some meals and such, hoping to lose some of it. I need to start walking or getting on the treadmill but I seriously don't know when to do so. It is hard to fit in one more thing! Anyway, that is today's thoughts :)
On another note, reading Becky Avella's book, 'And Then You Were Gone' (which I've mentioned before) something really struck me. She talked about how you're forever changed by the loss of a baby. Obviously. She talked about how you need to also grieve how you change from this- that you will never be the same person. It just totally struck me. I mean hear you grieve the loss of your baby, but you also grieve the loss of yourself, ya know? I've never even thought of that before. I mean I know I've changed drastically with each loss, but never thought about how I have to deal with my 'change'. Just something I've been pondering. I have to be honest with you that I don't like the 'new' me. Sure, God gives us these things to 'grow' us and in some ways I have but in others I just feel so lost, questioning and searching, angry and feeling hopeless at times. And let's talk about the physical- it is sickening! I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Nathaniel and more than I have in well...I don't know since I've been pregnant? It is frustrating! I always seem to 'gain' weight after I lose a baby but c'mon! So, I've been skipping some meals and such, hoping to lose some of it. I need to start walking or getting on the treadmill but I seriously don't know when to do so. It is hard to fit in one more thing! Anyway, that is today's thoughts :)
Walk to Remember Oct. 10, 2010
Today a local hospital had a 'Walk to Remember'. I haven't been to one before, and though I'd heard about it I still didn't really know what to expect. I was anticipating it and yet dreading it at the same time- what a way to honor my babies but what a mess I would/could be!!!
We arrived and I filled out a form with our name/info and then walked to the next table. They had little battery operated candles that say, "Mercy Walk to Remember" with an angel on them (Mercy is the name of the hospital). They also had white roses with white ribbon where you could write your baby's name on the ribbon. For some reason I just began to cry right then. The lady across the table, the volunteer, just hugged me and looked like she was going to get teary. It just overwhelmed me for a moment there. We then went to a room where they were putting the siblings handprints on a mural type thing. They're going to hang that on the Maternity Ward somewhere, near a room that they tend to use for people experiencing the loss of a baby.
When we walked into the auditorium I could not believe all the people in there! We almost couldn't find a seat and there were still a lot of people that had to come in! It was overwhelming and so very sad to think we were all there for such a reason, that we've all lost babies, whether they were our child, brother, sister, etc. It was also almost a comfort. To know that so many others have walked this road. We are not alone. I hate that we all have to be on this path though.
They had a woman playing a harp, they had some special songs, prayers, poems and other 'snippets'. I held it together pretty well. In one part there were readers reading some scripture and the audience responds with a certain scripture (reminded me of Catholic church). I almost did lose it then and couldn't speak aloud for a bit. We 'lit' our candles. We then walked around the 'campus' of the hospital. It was simply amazing- all of us people. I think there were at least 300! Can you believe that? As cars passed us I just felt so humbled to be able to do such a thing for my precious babies. We had a picture taken in front of a fountain and then walked to the 'Memory Garden'. There was a violinist, some reading and each person took their rose to the foot of an angel statue and spoke the name of the baby they were honoring. Amazing.
I hate that we have to be part of that 'club', part of something like that. At the same time I am so very thankful that we have something like that here that we can take part in. I hope that while we're still here we'll make it an annual affair for our family. I hope that the next place we move also has such a thing to honor our precious little ones.
Zach really thought this song was a tear-jerker:
STILL
music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink
I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind
And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start
Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
We arrived and I filled out a form with our name/info and then walked to the next table. They had little battery operated candles that say, "Mercy Walk to Remember" with an angel on them (Mercy is the name of the hospital). They also had white roses with white ribbon where you could write your baby's name on the ribbon. For some reason I just began to cry right then. The lady across the table, the volunteer, just hugged me and looked like she was going to get teary. It just overwhelmed me for a moment there. We then went to a room where they were putting the siblings handprints on a mural type thing. They're going to hang that on the Maternity Ward somewhere, near a room that they tend to use for people experiencing the loss of a baby.
When we walked into the auditorium I could not believe all the people in there! We almost couldn't find a seat and there were still a lot of people that had to come in! It was overwhelming and so very sad to think we were all there for such a reason, that we've all lost babies, whether they were our child, brother, sister, etc. It was also almost a comfort. To know that so many others have walked this road. We are not alone. I hate that we all have to be on this path though.
They had a woman playing a harp, they had some special songs, prayers, poems and other 'snippets'. I held it together pretty well. In one part there were readers reading some scripture and the audience responds with a certain scripture (reminded me of Catholic church). I almost did lose it then and couldn't speak aloud for a bit. We 'lit' our candles. We then walked around the 'campus' of the hospital. It was simply amazing- all of us people. I think there were at least 300! Can you believe that? As cars passed us I just felt so humbled to be able to do such a thing for my precious babies. We had a picture taken in front of a fountain and then walked to the 'Memory Garden'. There was a violinist, some reading and each person took their rose to the foot of an angel statue and spoke the name of the baby they were honoring. Amazing.
I hate that we have to be part of that 'club', part of something like that. At the same time I am so very thankful that we have something like that here that we can take part in. I hope that while we're still here we'll make it an annual affair for our family. I hope that the next place we move also has such a thing to honor our precious little ones.
Zach really thought this song was a tear-jerker:
STILL
music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink
I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind
And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start
Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face
Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true
Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again
The Reason for the World Oct. 9, 2010
I have to be honest with you. Sometimes in life, in loss, I don't want to move on. I guess the main reason is that I don't want my babies to be forgotten. I want them to be remembered. And lately I think God is telling me that it is okay to move on, that I need to. I mean, I have been, but I can continually feel Him nudging me to keep going further- that it is through His strength and His hope that I can go on. That there is a greater purpose in my loss, one I can't even comprehend.
Matthew West has a new album out and it is so amazing. If you go to his site you can read about the project he took on and you can read the stories behind the songs. Wow. I kept thinking, "I'll have to download that from itunes" but then another song would be sung that I fell in love with and so I just bought the CD! I'm going to share the lyrics with you from this song The Reason For The World.
There are no words in times like these
When tears don't hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world
No comfort in the greeting card
Cause God is good
But life's still hard
and your heart just wants a reason for the world
Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his son to where you are
and he died
To give a reason for the world
So lift your sorrows to the one
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rests here in the hands that hold the world
Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
Well I know your past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I KNOW you're faint and tired and lonely
from the road that you walked down here
But just keep your eyes on heaven
and know that you are not alone
remember the reason for the world
No ear has heard
No eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
A beauty that awaits beyond this world
When you look into the eyes of grace
and hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world
The words in bold are the ones that really spoke to me, although really the whole song did. The bold words are what God is really teaching me right now. You can always find the song on YouTube and listen to it there also.
Matthew West has a new album out and it is so amazing. If you go to his site you can read about the project he took on and you can read the stories behind the songs. Wow. I kept thinking, "I'll have to download that from itunes" but then another song would be sung that I fell in love with and so I just bought the CD! I'm going to share the lyrics with you from this song The Reason For The World.
There are no words in times like these
When tears don't hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world
No comfort in the greeting card
Cause God is good
But life's still hard
and your heart just wants a reason for the world
Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his son to where you are
and he died
To give a reason for the world
So lift your sorrows to the one
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rests here in the hands that hold the world
Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
Well I know your past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I KNOW you're faint and tired and lonely
from the road that you walked down here
But just keep your eyes on heaven
and know that you are not alone
remember the reason for the world
No ear has heard
No eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
A beauty that awaits beyond this world
When you look into the eyes of grace
and hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world
The words in bold are the ones that really spoke to me, although really the whole song did. The bold words are what God is really teaching me right now. You can always find the song on YouTube and listen to it there also.
Blessings, blessings Oct 8, 2010
Wow, my socks were blown off tonight! We went to a Matthew West concert. Haven't heard of him? He's a Christian artist who sings some pretty awesome songs- you're missing out :) His opening acts were Josh Wilson and Jonny Diaz. One of Josh Wilson's songs has really ministered to me the past four months and I was so excited to see him in person! I'm hoping tomorrow to elaborate more on the concert- when I'm not so tired. There were quite a few songs that just touched my heart tonight that I really want to share with you. Tonight I'm simply going to leave you with...um...which one should I pick first? I guess I'll go with a Josh Wilson one tonight since he was the first artist up. This is his instrumental of Amazing Grace and it was simply a.m.a.z.i.n.g. The video simply doesn't do it justice compared to the real deal!
Names Oct. 7, 2010
In our Bible study for Mommies with Hope we're reading Becky Avella's book, "And Then You Were Gone." In the chapter we read she talked about her babies names. Teske posted on the MwH blog about names and I thought I'd just copy my comment here about the names we chose for our heavenly babies.
We named our miscarriage Grace (well more I did, now the kids have picked up on it also, so I'm sure Zach will soon follow). I don't know the gender of the baby, part of me feels it was a girl (until recently with losing two boys I'm second guessing). My friend did have a 'vision' of a little girl running through a field when I was going through the miscarriage. Grace because every song, every verse that kept coming at me was all about God's grace- most especially Chris Tomlin's song Amazing Grace.
Our second loss we named Malachi Robert. Malachi means Messenger of God, angel. We believe he really sent a strong message to people about the sanctity of life. Robert is my husband's middle name, and as with all our boys we use their middle names after a family member or someone meaningful in our lives. It means Bright Fame.
Our third loss we named Nathaniel Larry. It was totally God who gave us this name as we just didn't have a name (we were waiting to find out the sex of the baby at our ultrasound so didn't really discuss names much). Nathaniel was not on our list at all, but as I began to search for names that mean God's gift or Gift of God that one jumped out at me. Nathaniel means Gift of God, and he surely was a gift to us! Larry is after Zach's dad. It does mean 'Crowned with Laurel' and I can't help but think of the crown sweet Nathaniel is wearing.
We named our miscarriage Grace (well more I did, now the kids have picked up on it also, so I'm sure Zach will soon follow). I don't know the gender of the baby, part of me feels it was a girl (until recently with losing two boys I'm second guessing). My friend did have a 'vision' of a little girl running through a field when I was going through the miscarriage. Grace because every song, every verse that kept coming at me was all about God's grace- most especially Chris Tomlin's song Amazing Grace.
Our second loss we named Malachi Robert. Malachi means Messenger of God, angel. We believe he really sent a strong message to people about the sanctity of life. Robert is my husband's middle name, and as with all our boys we use their middle names after a family member or someone meaningful in our lives. It means Bright Fame.
Our third loss we named Nathaniel Larry. It was totally God who gave us this name as we just didn't have a name (we were waiting to find out the sex of the baby at our ultrasound so didn't really discuss names much). Nathaniel was not on our list at all, but as I began to search for names that mean God's gift or Gift of God that one jumped out at me. Nathaniel means Gift of God, and he surely was a gift to us! Larry is after Zach's dad. It does mean 'Crowned with Laurel' and I can't help but think of the crown sweet Nathaniel is wearing.
Powerful Psalms Oct. 6, 2010
Tonight at our Small Group we were asked to each pick a Psalm that ministers to us and tell why. It was great digging in the Psalms (and also hard to pick just one)! Some verses really struck me from some chapters that people read and I wanted to share them.
Psalm 22: 9, 10 "Yet you brought me out of the womb, you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God."
Although our babies maybe haven't been at our breasts, they were made in our womb. So often we think of birth as the time our babies enter the world, but really it is from conception. So, from the time our baby was conceived they were cast upon God- from the very moment on conception they have been God's child! Wow! That is just so awesome to think about.
Psalm 71: 6 "From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you."
Again, "birth" being conception- from the moment our babies were conceived they've relied on God. Nothing we do or don't do will cause our child to grow right or wrong or not grow at all. God intricately designs each child in the womb- and that child fully relies on Him before they take their first breath! And when they don't have the opportunity to take a breath here on earth how much sweeter for them! Then the verse says, "I will ever praise you." How often do we on earth not praise Him? But our precious heavenly babies are always, forever praising Him!!! He created them (and us) with that very purpose- to praise and glorify Him!!! It just amazed me to dwell on those scriptures tonight. Even though we feel ripped off from not having our babies here with us, God created them specifically for heaven, for continual praise unto Him! May we strive to always praise Him, even through the tough times of grief.
Psalm 22: 9, 10 "Yet you brought me out of the womb, you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God."
Although our babies maybe haven't been at our breasts, they were made in our womb. So often we think of birth as the time our babies enter the world, but really it is from conception. So, from the time our baby was conceived they were cast upon God- from the very moment on conception they have been God's child! Wow! That is just so awesome to think about.
Psalm 71: 6 "From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you."
Again, "birth" being conception- from the moment our babies were conceived they've relied on God. Nothing we do or don't do will cause our child to grow right or wrong or not grow at all. God intricately designs each child in the womb- and that child fully relies on Him before they take their first breath! And when they don't have the opportunity to take a breath here on earth how much sweeter for them! Then the verse says, "I will ever praise you." How often do we on earth not praise Him? But our precious heavenly babies are always, forever praising Him!!! He created them (and us) with that very purpose- to praise and glorify Him!!! It just amazed me to dwell on those scriptures tonight. Even though we feel ripped off from not having our babies here with us, God created them specifically for heaven, for continual praise unto Him! May we strive to always praise Him, even through the tough times of grief.
Some of my thoughts tonight Oct. 5, 2010
Sorry if this seems like rambling, it is simply my heart tonight as I contemplate God, my babies in heaven and where I currently 'am'.
Sometimes we feel so alone in our grief, but we're never alone in the trials we face
God is there with us, through the fiery flames
Holding our hands and helping us rise again
We will conquer, we will overcome
We have us an example who's overcome the greatest obstacle- the grave!!!
When we feel we've nowhere to turn and nowhere to run, it is to His hiding place, His loving arms, His solid rock that we can turn
People will fail us, they'll say the wrong things
But, God, in His goodness will carry us on His wings
When the storm is so brutal and we can't rise again,
His hand will guide us and lead us to Him
Don't give up hope, do not despair
He is here with us when we can't contain the tears.
Thank YOU, Lord Jesus for holding me tight
For not letting me give up the good fight
For forgiving me over and over again
For the questions, the doubting, the anger and sin
I know this is all for Your glory, for Your good and I know my babies are safe with you now. Never will they know hunger, thirst, want, selfishness, anger, sadness. They were created with Heaven as their home. I won't understand it here on earth, but I know my precious babies were destined for Heaven. Please use their lives to further Your kingdom. Please use me through these difficult times. Use me in my sadness, my anger, my longing, my emptiness. Fill me with You and You alone. Please take this ache, this deep longing and fill me. Amen.
Sometimes we feel so alone in our grief, but we're never alone in the trials we face
God is there with us, through the fiery flames
Holding our hands and helping us rise again
We will conquer, we will overcome
We have us an example who's overcome the greatest obstacle- the grave!!!
When we feel we've nowhere to turn and nowhere to run, it is to His hiding place, His loving arms, His solid rock that we can turn
People will fail us, they'll say the wrong things
But, God, in His goodness will carry us on His wings
When the storm is so brutal and we can't rise again,
His hand will guide us and lead us to Him
Don't give up hope, do not despair
He is here with us when we can't contain the tears.
Thank YOU, Lord Jesus for holding me tight
For not letting me give up the good fight
For forgiving me over and over again
For the questions, the doubting, the anger and sin
I know this is all for Your glory, for Your good and I know my babies are safe with you now. Never will they know hunger, thirst, want, selfishness, anger, sadness. They were created with Heaven as their home. I won't understand it here on earth, but I know my precious babies were destined for Heaven. Please use their lives to further Your kingdom. Please use me through these difficult times. Use me in my sadness, my anger, my longing, my emptiness. Fill me with You and You alone. Please take this ache, this deep longing and fill me. Amen.
Music~ Minister Oct 4, 2010
One thing that's spoken to me during my times of loss is music. I'll share some of it here with you this month. Some I may have shared in the past. This is one of my new favorites, but I do have a lot of favorites these days!
As hard as life sometimes is, even when we feel we can no longer stand, all we need to do is cry out to HIM and we will be sustained. We will not drown! So often I've thought I'm just gonna sink in my pain, my misery, but He ALWAYS pulls me through! He is so good to us!
*I also shared the Third Day song, "Cry Out to Jesus" again.
As hard as life sometimes is, even when we feel we can no longer stand, all we need to do is cry out to HIM and we will be sustained. We will not drown! So often I've thought I'm just gonna sink in my pain, my misery, but He ALWAYS pulls me through! He is so good to us!
*I also shared the Third Day song, "Cry Out to Jesus" again.
Standing for the unborn Oct 3, 2010
Today was Life Chain. I told my kids where I was going and what I was going to do and asked them if they wanted to come. All three did. Zach stayed home with napping A. I was so amazed and proud that they wanted to come with me rather than stay home and play! Part of me feared them horsing around and not listening to me during the event, but they did GREAT! We picked our signs up at the church that was hosting it and I saw a friend from my homeschool group. She told me where she was driving to so I drove down there and we sat/stood together. I read parts of the back of the signs to the boys, explaining the behavior that we should exemplify as we stand holding these signs. They seemed so proud to stand there holding these signs. After a while J said, "Oh, I need to smile!" (one of the 'rules') and put a big grin on his face, holding his sign high. I was teary eyed, seeing my children doing what they were- taking an hour and a half of their time to stand for the unborn. It meant so much to me to share that time with them. We had many cars go by where people honked, threw out peace signs and waved. We also had a few flip us off and one lady yelled out, "Judge not lest ye be judged!" I was amazed at the line of people standing, dedicating their day to these babies. I wish I couldn't driven by to see just how many people there were. I remember we did this once in North Carolina and tehre weren't nearly as many people who did it (of course the town was a lot smaller also).
Changin' My Look Oct 3, 2010
In honor of the month I'm changing the look of my blog. This background is called Gracie. How fitting is that, since I've "named" our first baby we lost Grace. I am not sure if this baby was a boy or girl, but everywhere I turned there was something about "grace". It just was fitting to name the baby the name I did. It hasn't been until recently that we've really begun to use the name. Zach wasn't keen on it, not knowing the sex of the baby, but the kids seem to have picked up on the name. I also wanted a blue color, in honor of my boys in heaven, Malachi and Nathaniel. The flowers are just fitting as well. I also asked Hannah to help me and out of the three I found this was our favorite.
Last night I had a really difficult night. Who am I kidding, yesterday was just a hard day- emotionally, hormonally, mommy-wise, etc. This is what I wrote on facebook last night as I had turned out the light and got ready to fall asleep:
Last night I had a really difficult night. Who am I kidding, yesterday was just a hard day- emotionally, hormonally, mommy-wise, etc. This is what I wrote on facebook last night as I had turned out the light and got ready to fall asleep:
Before it even registers in my mind my body just knows the time...and then the grief hits like a slap in the face and the tears fall in their own accord. It's been 4 months. I would be due in exactly a month (on the 3rd). No wonder my day was so difficult.
It was so weird, I was up reading and I was fine. I turned out the light and the tears just began to fall. They seemed to come out of nowhere. Then it just dawned on me. Sometimes you just have those moments. You just fall apart and later realize exactly why!
Angels Oct. 2, 2010
Angels
An Angel from the Book of Life
Wrote down my baby's birth,
And whispered as she closed the book
"Too Beautiful For Earth"
Author Unknown
I found this online and it really touched me as I read it. How very true.
October 2, 2010
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I'm hoping to use my blog this month to share something every day on the matter, whether is something personal or not. I know I missed yesterday so I'll try to share two things today (lucky you).
It is really sad that there even needs to be such a 'month'. I know it is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I'm hoping those affected by that will share with us.
Miscarriage or infant loss is so much more common than we tend to think. It's almost like it's own special 'club', one none of us wants nor chooses to be in. About one in every four pregnancies ends in 'miscarriage' (I use that term loosely). So I guess I could look at my four living children and think how they're all miracles, but especially one of them? I think my children are miracles as it is, of course, and most especially A as she's here amongst 3 babies who were conceived but never had a chance to take a breath here on earth. One in four. It is amazing when we're at our Mommies with Hope meetings how many of us have multiple losses. To think of the children that could fill that room!!! On the other hand, Heaven has got to be filled with children- loads and loads of babies! I cannot wait to meet my babies!!!
It is really sad that there even needs to be such a 'month'. I know it is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I'm hoping those affected by that will share with us.
Miscarriage or infant loss is so much more common than we tend to think. It's almost like it's own special 'club', one none of us wants nor chooses to be in. About one in every four pregnancies ends in 'miscarriage' (I use that term loosely). So I guess I could look at my four living children and think how they're all miracles, but especially one of them? I think my children are miracles as it is, of course, and most especially A as she's here amongst 3 babies who were conceived but never had a chance to take a breath here on earth. One in four. It is amazing when we're at our Mommies with Hope meetings how many of us have multiple losses. To think of the children that could fill that room!!! On the other hand, Heaven has got to be filled with children- loads and loads of babies! I cannot wait to meet my babies!!!
It's all a bit confusing October 2, 2010
So, I am updating you on my doctor appointment I had the other day. It still all confuses me a bit, so I'll do my best. Some of you probably received an email about it, but I wanted to post it here also, just in case I forgot someone who actually may read my blog (I have no idea who you are because you people don't comment)!!!
I was tested for antiphospholipid antibodies. Apparently there are 4 of them that relate to pregnancy. One is called Cardiolipin and I tested borderline for it. Therefore it wasn't quite positive but also wasn't negative. It means I could test positive for it in the future, but not necessarily. I also had an ANA screen done (Anti-Nuclear Antibody). My number was like 1.160 or something. Being that it is that isn't quite a concern, it becomes a concern when its like 1.600. But being that it is the number it is also alerts the doctor that something is going on. So, because I haven't tested positive at this time to these tests I don't need to take blood thinners while I'm pregnant (if I become pregnant), but as soon as I become pregnant I need to take a baby aspirin. Something about it causes pregnancies to stick in women that have the same results as myself. Nine out of ten pregnancies turn out great. That 1 does concern me, but...
Here is a part I forgot to mention in the email (and probably the most important part, to me). Before I went to my appointment I was at homeschool park day. I was talking to a few women about my appointment and the one woman shared how she lost two babies, got tested, couldn't remember what the diagnosis was called, told us she took a baby aspirin and got pregnant with her son. Then the name popped out of her mouth- the same thing!!!! Really? REALLY!!! What are the chances!?!? I was on the way home from my appointment and just kept saying, "God you're so weird" through my tears. It's a 'relief' to know sorta what I 'have' or what's going on but it also stinks that it really is something wrong with my body! I mean seriously, what are the chances that a woman you're talking to an hour BEFORE your appointment blurts out the same name!!!
Since I have shared this with people I've had a lot of responses from people who know somebody or have something similar. I've gotten a lot of advice, some saying to get a second opinion and some saying to request the blood thinners anyway, etc. I've also been asked if I was really going to try to get pregnant again (to which I responded, "Well, we don't prevent anything and I DO want a baby." Zach and I really haven't had a chance to discuss it much, but my 'gut' right now is telling me I need to stick with what the doctor is saying. I've heard of women (through Mommies with Hope) who took the baby aspirin and it didnt' work for them and they lost their baby. I need to remember that it's different for each of us. It will be hard not to compare me to them. I will worry if I get pregnant. And it's not like I want to lose another baby, I can't imagine that again, but at the same time if it did happen at least then we'd know the next step, if that makes sense.
I'm still in shock. I can't believe that after all this time, after these losses and this grief that I have an idea of what is going on.
I was tested for antiphospholipid antibodies. Apparently there are 4 of them that relate to pregnancy. One is called Cardiolipin and I tested borderline for it. Therefore it wasn't quite positive but also wasn't negative. It means I could test positive for it in the future, but not necessarily. I also had an ANA screen done (Anti-Nuclear Antibody). My number was like 1.160 or something. Being that it is that isn't quite a concern, it becomes a concern when its like 1.600. But being that it is the number it is also alerts the doctor that something is going on. So, because I haven't tested positive at this time to these tests I don't need to take blood thinners while I'm pregnant (if I become pregnant), but as soon as I become pregnant I need to take a baby aspirin. Something about it causes pregnancies to stick in women that have the same results as myself. Nine out of ten pregnancies turn out great. That 1 does concern me, but...
Here is a part I forgot to mention in the email (and probably the most important part, to me). Before I went to my appointment I was at homeschool park day. I was talking to a few women about my appointment and the one woman shared how she lost two babies, got tested, couldn't remember what the diagnosis was called, told us she took a baby aspirin and got pregnant with her son. Then the name popped out of her mouth- the same thing!!!! Really? REALLY!!! What are the chances!?!? I was on the way home from my appointment and just kept saying, "God you're so weird" through my tears. It's a 'relief' to know sorta what I 'have' or what's going on but it also stinks that it really is something wrong with my body! I mean seriously, what are the chances that a woman you're talking to an hour BEFORE your appointment blurts out the same name!!!
Since I have shared this with people I've had a lot of responses from people who know somebody or have something similar. I've gotten a lot of advice, some saying to get a second opinion and some saying to request the blood thinners anyway, etc. I've also been asked if I was really going to try to get pregnant again (to which I responded, "Well, we don't prevent anything and I DO want a baby." Zach and I really haven't had a chance to discuss it much, but my 'gut' right now is telling me I need to stick with what the doctor is saying. I've heard of women (through Mommies with Hope) who took the baby aspirin and it didnt' work for them and they lost their baby. I need to remember that it's different for each of us. It will be hard not to compare me to them. I will worry if I get pregnant. And it's not like I want to lose another baby, I can't imagine that again, but at the same time if it did happen at least then we'd know the next step, if that makes sense.
I'm still in shock. I can't believe that after all this time, after these losses and this grief that I have an idea of what is going on.
Tomorrow, Tomorrow Sept 29, 2010
Maybe holds the answers!?!? After 5 stinkin' weeks I finally caved in and called the doctors office! Boy, am I glad I did (they said they were too). Apparently my chart got pushed aside or something when Dr. D was on vacation. Real nice. Oh well, they were kind about it and will see me tomorrow afternoon with the results. I knew they wouldn't give me any information over the phone and the nurse on the phone said, "The doctor is much better at explaining the results and helping you know what to do to have a successful pregnancy in the future." (or something similar along those lines). Soooo, that seriously leads me to believe they found the answer. I hope, anyway. Otherwise, would she have said that? Then again, some of the women I've been meeting have gotten such answers, thinking they were 'good to go' only to get pregnant again, lose that baby, do further testing and find out it was other things also. BUT I rest in God's hands in this. As I read in a book we're reading in the Mommies with Hope Bible study- these tests are maybe a means to healing, as are many other things. They will not give me the fulfillment I need, only God can do that (totally paraphrased that). So, hopefully at this time tomorrow I'll be sitting with Dr. D receiving word. And maybe, just maybe this month we can give it a try again?
In other news, if you follow me on facebook you know I broke my toe. Just a real tiny break- he couldn't even see it until the 3rd X-ray and that had to be magnified. But, it'd enough to hurt that's for sure! I do notice I can walk a bit easier today that I could on Monday. What happened? We went to an open house on Sunday and I was walking down the stairs, talking to the real estate agent and reading the paper she'd handed me. I came to the landing at the bottom and assumed I had two more stairs, but there were three. So, I fell on my knees but somewhere in there my big feet got in the way. I am so clumsy- I totally need to be locked up :-) For so many reasons! But, as I was thinking about it the other day, at least I wasn't pregnant with a broken toe! I couldn't imagine being 35 weeks pregnant with a broken toe (yes, I'd be 35 weeks today)!
In other news, if you follow me on facebook you know I broke my toe. Just a real tiny break- he couldn't even see it until the 3rd X-ray and that had to be magnified. But, it'd enough to hurt that's for sure! I do notice I can walk a bit easier today that I could on Monday. What happened? We went to an open house on Sunday and I was walking down the stairs, talking to the real estate agent and reading the paper she'd handed me. I came to the landing at the bottom and assumed I had two more stairs, but there were three. So, I fell on my knees but somewhere in there my big feet got in the way. I am so clumsy- I totally need to be locked up :-) For so many reasons! But, as I was thinking about it the other day, at least I wasn't pregnant with a broken toe! I couldn't imagine being 35 weeks pregnant with a broken toe (yes, I'd be 35 weeks today)!
Searching August 24, 2010
Today I finally had my appointment with the perinatologist (a maternal fetal medicine specialist or high risk OB). I had no idea what I was going to be walking into, other than that I knew I was going to be meeting with the doctor and I thought it was an hour long. I met this doctor 2 years and I day ago as she's the one who performed my amnio with A. I thought she was wonderful and gentle back then...today just proved that point even further. Wow. I was just amazed at the time she took to sit and talk, to pour over my history, my records, to ask questions and to agree with me that there must be some sort of medical thing that is causing me to lose babies in the second trimester. She's the first doctor to not say, "Well, these things happen." I've just felt so strongly since Nathaniel's death that there has got to be a reason why my body cannot carry all my babies past a certain point. And I also wonder how I was able to carry A to 36 weeks (opting to have her that early) after losing the two babies before her. I KNOW that God is the giver of life and He's the one who controls our womb. BUT I also feel like we have modern medicine and we can take advantage of that. I even told the doctor (after she explained that she can not 'work magic') that we know God has a plan but we're still wanting some answers.
Anyway, she seemed so knowledgeable and more importantly she had a plan in place for me! (And come to find out this appointment was called 'pre-concept counseling). When I made the appointment I was in no place to THINK about getting pregnant, I just wanted some answers. Now I'm a little more open to it and I suspect that by the time I get some sort of results in a month or more I'll be even more open to it.
Well, back to her 'plan'. They're testing my thyroid and doing some other blood tests. One is called Antiphospholipid Antibodies. If I do have this I'd have to take baby aspirin every day and give myself two injections a day (when pregnant) of heparin or something like it (blood thinners). Scary stuff. But amazing that there are things like that out there. If I don't have that she'll continue to dig for answers. I'm just amazed and thankful that there are doctors out there willing to work to try to help women like me find some answers.
Anyway, she seemed so knowledgeable and more importantly she had a plan in place for me! (And come to find out this appointment was called 'pre-concept counseling). When I made the appointment I was in no place to THINK about getting pregnant, I just wanted some answers. Now I'm a little more open to it and I suspect that by the time I get some sort of results in a month or more I'll be even more open to it.
Well, back to her 'plan'. They're testing my thyroid and doing some other blood tests. One is called Antiphospholipid Antibodies. If I do have this I'd have to take baby aspirin every day and give myself two injections a day (when pregnant) of heparin or something like it (blood thinners). Scary stuff. But amazing that there are things like that out there. If I don't have that she'll continue to dig for answers. I'm just amazed and thankful that there are doctors out there willing to work to try to help women like me find some answers.
My Thoughts Today August 20, 2010
Boy how I wish I were having another baby. As I was putting A for a nap I was just thinking of how blessed I am. I'm so thankful for the children I've been given, but I still long for more. It's always been my dream to be a mommy and I can't imagine being 'done'. We'll see what God has in store with it all I guess. Next week I go to a doctor to discuss testing. I have no idea exactly what that appointment entails and can't wait to go.
The rain came earlier today than they predicted so we didn't get to go to the park. I got a movie for the kids (Furry Vengeance) and they had a picnic for lunch on the living room floor and watched the movie. They liked that and I was glad I thought to do something for them rather than just say, "Too bad, deal with it." I feel like now I'm beginning to live life more instead of just going through it. It took 11 weeks! I'm still not 'there' and I know it takes time but I'm thankful to be "forcing" myself to "Just do it." It's not always easy and I don't always do what I should or may think of doing just because. It's just not me to be this way, but I'm getting there.
I don't think I mentioned here that I began seeing a counselor. I guess it's not something I want everyone to know ;) I considered it before the whole possibility of deployment came up and once that arose I took action! I asked a friend from church if she recommended anybody and she said the counseling pastor from church. But I didn't want a pastor nor somebody from church. I did want a Christian, however. I just didn't want to constantly be told Scripture repeatedly...as wonderful as God's Word is. I called Military One Source and talked to a lady there and she referred me to a local counselor. I've gone twice now.
The first time, just upon looking at her I thought, "Oh boy does she ever look like a shrink!" and wondered what I was getting myself into. She was laughing about how we had to meet in this other room, not her office, because they were moving filing cabinets. She just kept laughing about it, but I couldn't understand the funniness in it! So I was like, "Oh great, I got this quack of a woman I'm supposed to spill my guts out to?" Anyway, she did the whole intake and yadda yadda, I talked a bit about what was going on (it was the day after or the same day I found out that Zach WAS for sure being deployed). I met with her again this past week and upon seeing her again I thought, "WHY am I doing this???" But when I left I just felt relieved. I even got myself some McDonald's on the way home- even so far as to go inside and order it! I felt so 'free' to be alone for a bit!!! So, we'll see how long I go and all. I'm allowed 11 sessions but that after that my insurance would pay for it. I think its much better than going on the depression meds the dr. prescribed for me, at least at this point. I won't have an appointment this coming week because it's going to be a crazy busy week, but I'll go again the week after.
Last night I went to another Mommies with Hope meeting. I'm so glad I went. During the day I was thinking I just wanted to stay at home, but as the time drew nearer I knew I should go. They're planning a retreat at the end of October with Lysa TerKeurst speaking and I'd really love to go to it. At first I thought I wouldn't want to go because that's right around my 'due date' and I thought about getting away with just Zach or something. But I think it'd be great for me to be with this group of women and I don't know that I want to wait until the end of October to have some alone time with my hubby! I'm really craving that lately and am rather bummed that we just don't have the finances to do that. At first I was looking into cheap plane tickets for a long weekend somewhere. Then I was just looking into like Kansas City or something, which is 3 hours away. Finally I just began to look into Des Moines. I think for us to get away for a night or two alone would be wonderful. Much needed. Rejuvenating. Best for our relationship and that with our children. Imagine if we could do it before I began school, how refreshed I'd feel to begin a new year!?!? Hmmm....I may really have to try to twist his arm on this!
The rain came earlier today than they predicted so we didn't get to go to the park. I got a movie for the kids (Furry Vengeance) and they had a picnic for lunch on the living room floor and watched the movie. They liked that and I was glad I thought to do something for them rather than just say, "Too bad, deal with it." I feel like now I'm beginning to live life more instead of just going through it. It took 11 weeks! I'm still not 'there' and I know it takes time but I'm thankful to be "forcing" myself to "Just do it." It's not always easy and I don't always do what I should or may think of doing just because. It's just not me to be this way, but I'm getting there.
I don't think I mentioned here that I began seeing a counselor. I guess it's not something I want everyone to know ;) I considered it before the whole possibility of deployment came up and once that arose I took action! I asked a friend from church if she recommended anybody and she said the counseling pastor from church. But I didn't want a pastor nor somebody from church. I did want a Christian, however. I just didn't want to constantly be told Scripture repeatedly...as wonderful as God's Word is. I called Military One Source and talked to a lady there and she referred me to a local counselor. I've gone twice now.
The first time, just upon looking at her I thought, "Oh boy does she ever look like a shrink!" and wondered what I was getting myself into. She was laughing about how we had to meet in this other room, not her office, because they were moving filing cabinets. She just kept laughing about it, but I couldn't understand the funniness in it! So I was like, "Oh great, I got this quack of a woman I'm supposed to spill my guts out to?" Anyway, she did the whole intake and yadda yadda, I talked a bit about what was going on (it was the day after or the same day I found out that Zach WAS for sure being deployed). I met with her again this past week and upon seeing her again I thought, "WHY am I doing this???" But when I left I just felt relieved. I even got myself some McDonald's on the way home- even so far as to go inside and order it! I felt so 'free' to be alone for a bit!!! So, we'll see how long I go and all. I'm allowed 11 sessions but that after that my insurance would pay for it. I think its much better than going on the depression meds the dr. prescribed for me, at least at this point. I won't have an appointment this coming week because it's going to be a crazy busy week, but I'll go again the week after.
Last night I went to another Mommies with Hope meeting. I'm so glad I went. During the day I was thinking I just wanted to stay at home, but as the time drew nearer I knew I should go. They're planning a retreat at the end of October with Lysa TerKeurst speaking and I'd really love to go to it. At first I thought I wouldn't want to go because that's right around my 'due date' and I thought about getting away with just Zach or something. But I think it'd be great for me to be with this group of women and I don't know that I want to wait until the end of October to have some alone time with my hubby! I'm really craving that lately and am rather bummed that we just don't have the finances to do that. At first I was looking into cheap plane tickets for a long weekend somewhere. Then I was just looking into like Kansas City or something, which is 3 hours away. Finally I just began to look into Des Moines. I think for us to get away for a night or two alone would be wonderful. Much needed. Rejuvenating. Best for our relationship and that with our children. Imagine if we could do it before I began school, how refreshed I'd feel to begin a new year!?!? Hmmm....I may really have to try to twist his arm on this!
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