A month has passed and I wonder how it can be so. June 2nd, a day that we really looked forward to, a day that became a nightmare I didn't think I could live through again, and yet here I am. I can't even believe its been a month. A month from this moment I lay in a hospital bed getting prepped to deliver our dead baby. I was in shock. I was nervous. I just wanted the whole physical part to be done with so I could deal with the rest. And I still feel like I haven't completely dealt with it. But I guess that's how grief is. You don't just 'get over it' and move on. Sometimes you're just immobile, stuck in place wondering how on earth you ended up where you are. Sometimes you think maybe you took a step toward healing when, "WHAM" it hits you yet again. Just little things. Tonight just driving to the grocery store I began to cry for what I no longer 'have'. It is so hard to cling, to hold on to the HOPE I have. But I do. I am still not functioning properly, if that makes sense. I just 'get by'. I do what I have to do, but nothing more. I think the most difficult thing right now is me caring for my kids. I just don't want to do it. I LOVE them, I'm THANKFUL for them but it seems like such a HARD task sometimes. The tiniest, littlest things set me off! I remember it being the same after I lost Malachi. So, that's where I'm at. I still miss my baby like crazy, I miss being pregnant like nothing else and I just hurt. Even when I'm having a good time, still in the back of my mind lies my sorrow- it is part of me now, ever present. I'm thankful for your prayers, love and all through this time! Please keep it up- its a long road and I'm nowhere near the 'end' of it. I need you to walk alongside me, to pick me up when I fall and to hold my had- to cry with me, laugh with me, remember with me!
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