Memory of a Precious Boy Feb. 13, 2008

Today marks one year since I found out my precious Malachi was no longer alive. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. Princess was using the doppler to help the nurse find the heartbeat but they couldn't find it. Finally the nurse thought she'd found it but when the midwife came in she couldn't locate it either. I just thought it was a fluke thing, it seemed like just days before that we saw our babe happily playing in my womb on an ultrasound. That was not to be the case though. The ultrasound that day showed that our dear boy had passed on. I was shocked. Devastated. Although this is not the day that marks Malachi's 'birth' or whatever you want to call it, it is a day I will never forget.

I originally wanted to go to the cemetary today but seeing as I'm dealing with such severe morning sickness that is not to happen. We did go on Sunday, however. As we were driving home from church one of my favorite songs came on. It is Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone). The hymn was sung at Malachi's funeral so now it has such a whole different meaning in my life. This song is a bit different and based on the movie. Here are the lyrics that really struck me on Sunday as I mourned the loss of my little boy:

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy reigns

Unending love, Amazing grace

Of course all of the lyrics really get to me but somehow these words really made me sob on this day. My baby is free. He is not bound by chains. He has never had to endure the sin and sadness of the world, rather he was taken to the streets paved with gold and carried along by his Creator. What a blessed boy he is! To be with Jesus face to face! And to think that he is up there with his brother or sister playing at the feet of Jesus brings me such joy! Sure I mourn my babies and wonder what life would be like if they'd lived. But God knew that these precious children needed to be taken to heaven and not dealt the blows of the world. So while I think about my precious baby today and allow the tears to stream down my face I am also mindful of how God has worked to touch our lives through Malachi's short one. And I praise my Jesus for giving us a son we will get to meet in heaven, another brother for my children, a chance to carry a baby for such a short time.