So, I vaguely remember my young nurse leaving around 11 (she only worked a 4 hr. shift) and another one coming and checking on me through the night. Good thing they put me to sleep- it sure knocked me out good ALL night! It was nice to get some sleep, albeit drug induced :) I remember the nurse kept asking me if I wanted her to take the baby out. No, I didn't because I'd only seen the baby while still in pain and I wanted to be a bit more coherent to have that 'time' with him. I remember waking a few times in the night and seeing the bassinet laying by my bed and thinking I needed to check on the baby or nurse him. Ugh, that was difficult! With Malachi they didn't put him in one of the bassinets, so this was different. It was 'nice' because it seemed like they 'honored' him as a baby, but it was also difficult.
I woke up a bit early Friday morning. Zach did also. I looked at our baby, laying there, decaying, dead. I cried. He climbed into my bed and we talked about names. I grabbed my ipod and went to a site I was at the day before. I thought, "I want a name that means gift of God" and told Zach that. For some reason I clicked on the letter "N" and we see Nathaniel. It was SUCH A GOD THING!!! We both were like, "Yeah, I really like that" which was weird because never before had we considered that name. My cousin has a Nathan and so I just always bypassed Nathaniel. we knew we wanted a name with a good meaning and a Biblical one. Zach really wanted the baby's middle name to be Larry, after his dad. So, I reluctantly agreed. Nothing against my father-in-law, just didn't think it went well with Nathaniel :) Looking up the name Larry, we learned it meant "crowned with laurel". Ok, well WHAT is that? I looked it up and its like a green, leafy type of plant. Just the thought that our baby DOES have a crown, a heavenly one, totally sold me on that :) So, we named our precious baby Nathaniel Larry. It took me awhile to get used to that!
Finally, I felt I could 'release' my baby and asked the nurse to take him. I just couldn't stand to see it anymore...to know what was really happening, what was becoming real. It took forever for the nurse to wheel him out, it seemed! I MISSED my nurse Nancee! She did come in that morning to see me, to see how I was doing and she looked like she could've cried with me and hugged me.
About a month ago at our church a guy named Brent got baptized. He was a funeral director. He had done a funeral for a Josiah Johnson (not sure if I mentioned him on my blog before) and Josiah's life had really touched his. So, immediately I knew we should contact Brent. I didn't know him. This was all new to us too, for in Mississippi our pastor had contacted a guy from our church at the funeral home. Thankfully Zach stepped up to the plate on this one! So, Brent eventually made it and that was a difficult time also, but he was so caring! I remember the nurse coming in, saying to him, "Security is ready whenever you are" and I totally LOST it. I'm going to cry again thinking about that. To know he was taking my baby's body so far away from me. The baby that I carried in my womb, so close to my heart. The baby I dreamed of holding and cuddling. He was going away (his body)...far away. He was being 'taken' from me.
That morning was so difficult. Well, it all was of course. I was so ready to just go home. I wanted to be with my children. They kept asking when I'd be home. They were worried about me. I just wanted to hold them. I thought it was funny how sometimes I feel like I need a break from them and just need to get away and here I had a 'break' but I wanted nothing more than to be with them. The doctor had come in early and told me I could probably be released around noon, that another doctor would come in and check me then. Then finally took out the IV and stuff but it seemed they would never let me go. I was getting so mad! It was like, let me out of this place! There was no reason for me to be there. It was so painful. Apparently the nurse was waiting on discharge papers. We got those and then it was the Rhogam shot. It took over an hour of waiting just for a shot in my arse to then be 'released'. I was free!!! Walking out of the hospital empty handed was not as difficult as I thought it'd be, nor as difficult as it was with Malachi, only because I wanted so bad to be out of there! I did shed a few tears and cried some on the way home. But I was thankful for that part to be over. Although now, looking back, I feel like time is almost going too fast. Was it really that long ago that I got to see and hold our baby? How long before others soon forget, while the pain festers on inside of me? Sigh.
I woke up a bit early Friday morning. Zach did also. I looked at our baby, laying there, decaying, dead. I cried. He climbed into my bed and we talked about names. I grabbed my ipod and went to a site I was at the day before. I thought, "I want a name that means gift of God" and told Zach that. For some reason I clicked on the letter "N" and we see Nathaniel. It was SUCH A GOD THING!!! We both were like, "Yeah, I really like that" which was weird because never before had we considered that name. My cousin has a Nathan and so I just always bypassed Nathaniel. we knew we wanted a name with a good meaning and a Biblical one. Zach really wanted the baby's middle name to be Larry, after his dad. So, I reluctantly agreed. Nothing against my father-in-law, just didn't think it went well with Nathaniel :) Looking up the name Larry, we learned it meant "crowned with laurel". Ok, well WHAT is that? I looked it up and its like a green, leafy type of plant. Just the thought that our baby DOES have a crown, a heavenly one, totally sold me on that :) So, we named our precious baby Nathaniel Larry. It took me awhile to get used to that!
Finally, I felt I could 'release' my baby and asked the nurse to take him. I just couldn't stand to see it anymore...to know what was really happening, what was becoming real. It took forever for the nurse to wheel him out, it seemed! I MISSED my nurse Nancee! She did come in that morning to see me, to see how I was doing and she looked like she could've cried with me and hugged me.
About a month ago at our church a guy named Brent got baptized. He was a funeral director. He had done a funeral for a Josiah Johnson (not sure if I mentioned him on my blog before) and Josiah's life had really touched his. So, immediately I knew we should contact Brent. I didn't know him. This was all new to us too, for in Mississippi our pastor had contacted a guy from our church at the funeral home. Thankfully Zach stepped up to the plate on this one! So, Brent eventually made it and that was a difficult time also, but he was so caring! I remember the nurse coming in, saying to him, "Security is ready whenever you are" and I totally LOST it. I'm going to cry again thinking about that. To know he was taking my baby's body so far away from me. The baby that I carried in my womb, so close to my heart. The baby I dreamed of holding and cuddling. He was going away (his body)...far away. He was being 'taken' from me.
That morning was so difficult. Well, it all was of course. I was so ready to just go home. I wanted to be with my children. They kept asking when I'd be home. They were worried about me. I just wanted to hold them. I thought it was funny how sometimes I feel like I need a break from them and just need to get away and here I had a 'break' but I wanted nothing more than to be with them. The doctor had come in early and told me I could probably be released around noon, that another doctor would come in and check me then. Then finally took out the IV and stuff but it seemed they would never let me go. I was getting so mad! It was like, let me out of this place! There was no reason for me to be there. It was so painful. Apparently the nurse was waiting on discharge papers. We got those and then it was the Rhogam shot. It took over an hour of waiting just for a shot in my arse to then be 'released'. I was free!!! Walking out of the hospital empty handed was not as difficult as I thought it'd be, nor as difficult as it was with Malachi, only because I wanted so bad to be out of there! I did shed a few tears and cried some on the way home. But I was thankful for that part to be over. Although now, looking back, I feel like time is almost going too fast. Was it really that long ago that I got to see and hold our baby? How long before others soon forget, while the pain festers on inside of me? Sigh.
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