unbelievable August 10, 2010

He's going. I can't believe they're making him go. Here we just said the other day we doubted they'd make him go. I was starting to hope. Wow, what a joke. Hope for what? My hopes are always dashed. Hope for a baby and he's taken from me. Hope for my hubby to stay and he too is taken from me for almost a year. He'll be in dangerous territory. Will I hear from him often? Probably not. I'll be so worried about him every day that goes by that I don't hear from him. Will God take my husband from me too? How can I not ask that in light of all that's been happening. You'd ask it too I'm sure. I just am really standing on shaky ground. WHERE is GOD? YES, you can tell me all the verses until you're blue in the face but I NEED something TANGIBLE right now. My heart is so very broken. I don't know if the pieces could ever be put back together at this point. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is my life. How will I do it? What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to be strong for my children? What good can come out of a man leaving his family (a distraught wife AND children) and going to WAR? I feel like life is crumbling all around me. Every little thing worries me these days, I'm certain I'll be a mess when he's gone. The crazy thunderstorms we have every night cause me to be so paranoid. One night I brought all things I didn't want to 'lose' into the basement in case there was a tornado. There weren't many...pictures, jewelry, the 'treasures' from my 'lost' boys. Now we have another thunderstorm outside. They're so how I feel inside and yet now they freak me out. When I was a kid I was terrified of thunderstorms, but I outgrew that. Now I'm horrified once again. And I keep having tornado dreams. Fear. So many fears. Anybody wanna take these shoes and walk in them?