Down June 10, 2010

Boy, I sure feel down today. Maybe part of it is the weather. I have been so very angry with it all. I don't remember having such anger last time. It's not like I'm lashing out or anything, just feel so angry in my spirit. Questioning God, "Why did you have to take MY baby? Why again? Wasn't the other 2 enough? Why even allow me to get pregnant if you're going to take my baby away?" So. Much. Anger. I'm glad He's forgiving and understanding! Laying in bed at night and in the morning is awful. Those were the times I'd lay and dream about baby...wondering if it were a boy or girl, dreaming of holding, kissing and loving that child. I read something somewhere this morning about not only do we have to grieve the loss of a child, but also the loss of the dreams we had for that child. Both Zach and I and even the children had already 'planned' for Nathaniel to join our family! We talked about where all the kids would sit in the suburban, we talked about sleeping arrangements. I'm sure the kids wondered what it'd be like to play with another sibling, to hold another baby, to love on and cherish that precious babe. Sigh. Shattered dreams. Crushed hopes. I know my baby is in a MUCH better place but that honestly doesn't even bring a slight smile to my heart right now. *I* wanted my baby. *I* dreamed for my baby. I still desire to hold his precious body against mine. I lay in bed just wanting to feel kicks, wishing I could cuddle and nurse my little boy. Zach will lay next to me and put his arm around me and I just cry. The love from that little gesture. He rests his hand upon my stomach, out of habit, and I just want to cry and cry and never stop. For that stomach is empty. Broken. Such sadness. Such anger. Just wanting to be honest...