So last night my neighbor/friend came over to tell me she's pregnant! I am super excited for her. At the same time I'm SO sad for me!!! She's like the 5th person in a week that I found out is pregnant. It seems like lots of neighbors, everybody at church, everybody on facebook...and the ones that aren't pregnant have babies. Ohhh it just hurts, it aches, it stings. I just don't get it!
We've been tossing around adoption again. I can't remember if I mentioned that before. I called a few places today. Not sure if we'd even 'qualify'...having 4 children, living in a 'small' house (there's no way a child would get their own room). I just feel so lost. My hearts desire all my life has been to be a Mom. I'm SO thankful for my children, so blessed beyond measure. But I want to mother more than these! I know God's desire is for women to have babies, to be mothers, to train them up in His ways. So then why can't that happen? Sometimes I let Satan get in there, telling me its because I'm not a good enough mother.
That's another thing. When will I get off my butt and DO things with the kids? Sure, we've been busy doing lots of fun things, going lots of places. But I mean doing things like baking cookies, reading, art...I just have no desire to do anything like that since I lost Nathaniel. I have to push myself to cook dinner and I've only done that a few times!!! I feel like it will never get easier. I feel like I'm just failing. Then I think about school...its already almost the end of July and I've got nothing ordered, researched or anything for school. Yikes! I feel like it takes so much effort to do such little things that I can't do big things like that. I hate it. I hate being like this, feeling like this. I even entertained the idea of putting them in school, just for this year. But why, just so I could sit on my computer all day? How selfish of me!!!
I am thankful for some things I accomplished today:
-I made an appointment for G's wart that hasn't gotten better
-I called my dr. office to ask for a referral to a geneticist (I found this info on our insurance site: Chromosome analysis (to include karyotyping and/or high resolution chromosome analysis) in some cases of habitual abortion or infertility -I planned park days for our homeschool group for 2 months!
-I called a few adoption agencies and got a bit of info
-I even found all the housing at the bases Zach put on his dream sheet!!! That was more of a fun thing
-Laundry, lots and lots of it
I'm sure there was more I was going to post, its just a matter of not being able to think. I've had to stick A's toys in their swings numerous times, been asked numerous times by H about printing pictures and just have such a distracted brain these days. How on earth will I prepare for a short camping trip/family reunion to MI when I can't even think???
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