It's been one of those times where I think I've just been keeping myself super busy so I don't have to think about what's approaching- "due date". I remember reading about this recently on the Mommies with Hope blog too. I even keep seeing on facebook posts about people having babies. I am so happy for them, but part of me hurts, but at the same time (so far) it's not 'as bad' as I anticipated. But I think it's because of my busy-ness and trying to not think about it. And I haven't brought myself to look at pictures- I just quickly browse through statuses.
However, yesterday as I sat with my daughter and did her Bible time I just began to cry as I was praying. I went on to pray for all of us during this time, explaining what day was approaching. It then brought her to tears, though I think it was more the fact that she saw me crying, although she did ask why Nathaniel had to die.
It's just funny the roller coaster it is. One minute all seems fine, the next something triggers a thought and I could be having a meltdown. I must admit it is really difficult at this point to think that I'd probably be holding our little boy in my arms by now (I've never gone to 40 weeks). Today I'd be 39 weeks. I remember when I was even thinking of having another c-section (which I totally changed my mind on right after I really considered it) I was thinking I could have the baby on my dad's birthday- which was Monday. So, it's not always easy, but honestly I just haven't let myself get too much time on my hands to think about it. I guess it's a good thing I decided to go to the Mommies with Hope retreat this weekend because prepping for that has taken a lot of time and thought that I'd probably otherwise use on the 'what ifs'.
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