So Much To Say June 6, 2010

I don't even know where to begin. Do I start from the beginning? Or do I just simply put my thoughts right now, which are a big jumble. I honestly just didn't think we'd be going through this again. The first words out of my mouth were, through sobbing tears, "I can't go through this again." And yet here I am, going through it. Why? Wasn't once enough? Why me? Can't I just hold my little baby, fully grown, like I'd dreamed? I feel like its the end...like we just won't be having any more. I feel so empty. My arms are empty of a babe and my womb is empty of him also. And many say that I'm so blessed with four healthy children. Yes, thank you, I know that. I am truly blessed and very thankful for them. But that doesn't make the pain of losing THIS child any easier, not by a long shot. This morning as I listened to church online, since I couldn't bring myself to go to church, I cried through much of the worship. As they sang about hope I wondered what's the sense of it. I had hope. Hope my baby would be just fine. And look what good it did me. I know that God is my hope, I know all the cliche things that its His will and yadda yadda, but that just doesn't comfort at this time. Am I turning my back on God? Never. I just wonder, doubt and question. It is normal. It is ok. I know this. While I can't pray for myself, I know that your prayers are what's keeping my head above the water. It's the love and support of the body of Christ and it simply amazes me. That's all I can give right now.