Well, it's Christmas

Here we are, Christmas is almost behind us.  I've been thinking of so many of you, my dear friends, today.  I have friend who's babies have died or mothers, or someone close to them this year and it's you who's been on my heart.  I've also thought about my own baby.  As I was singing to my sweet A tonight, putting her to sleep, I began crying as I thought about how I could also be singing to my sweet little Nathaniel.  I about busted up crying in church last night, thinking how it'd be his first Christmas and seeing other little babies who were celebrating their first Christmas.  It is just not easy, is it?  As we ate dinner I pondered how I'd maybe be nursing our little babe at the same time.  It was a busy morning with presents and a quiet day otherwise, but there were moments where I thought of my precious baby and wondered how this day would be different with him here.  I'm really thankful this year is almost over...2010 has been a very difficult trying year.  I'm praying 2011 will be filled with so many wonderful, new beginnings.  God is good.  I'm thankful for all He's taught me this year through losing Nathaniel.  I just pray I always remember and carry the things with me.  Merry Christmas to you all!  I say this with a somewhat heavy heart as I know it's maybe not as merry as it 'could' be. 

Ornaments

This first one, it's hard to read.  On one side it says Nathaniel Larry.  On the other the date, June 3, 2010.  I made this at a Grief Symposium I attended.

The G is for baby "Grace", the M for Malachi.  What great additions to our tree this year!  For me not being very craftsy I'm proud of how they turned out!

Just when you thought it was easy...

Today was a difficult day in church.  There were many times I just wanted to burst out crying.  Through Christmas songs, through the sermon, you name it and I could've lost it.  I really had to hold back on the tears.  In part I was thinking of the baby Jesus, born simply to die for me and you, and how awesome His story is.  I was also thinking about some people in our church who lost spouses this year, namely a young gal whose husband passed of cancer.  In another sense I was thinking how this "would" be my baby's first Christmas and how joyous it would be.  I thought how I'd be gazing into his little face while singing, "Joy to the World" and just feeling such awe at another new life, another child to raise.  Alas, my arms were empty and my heart a bit sad, but how can I still not have hope when I hear the story of Jesus?  I'm thankful I can hope in Him.  Remember to thank Him this Christmas season.  He truly is the Reason.  The reason to live, the reason to hope, the reason to love.  Merry Christmas, friends!

This n That

The past couple of days have been a bit more difficult for some reason.  Last night my children had their Christmas program.  As I lay in bed, I pondered how different the day would have been had our baby been here too.  I was already busy with doing school, getting dinner, baking something for the program and getting the kiddos ready.  I was thinking how much more work it would have been with a newborn- trying to fit in feedings and all!  But I would love that!  Just little things sometimes hit you...how you'd have another child to bundle up to go out in the cold.  Or how our room would be different if we had a cradle in it...with a new baby sleeping next to us.  Last night I was wishing I could nurse my baby boy and hold him close.  I was imagining him gazing up at my face as he nursed...his precious little face.  I was even thinking about how after I have a baby I sweat like crazy at night and how I'd probably still be doing that!!!

Thursday night I went out with the Mommies with Hope group and made Christmas decorations.  Since I recently made one at another function for Nathaniel and didn't have any for my other babies I made one for each of them.  When I get them back I'll post a picture of them.  I thought maybe it'd be hard to do, but the group of ladies made it great.  It's crazy to think that a bunch of ladies who miss their babies can have such a good time together!!!

I wanted to buy some battery operated candles (three) to put in my living room windows for my babies, but the ones I looked at so far were so ugly!  I know they'd be hidden in a window, but still, I didn't want something so ugly!  I'm hoping to browse a few other stores at some point.

Something's Missing

Monday my husband took a picture of the kids in front of the tree when I wasn't around.  When I got onto facebook I saw I was tagged in the picture.  It was a good picture.  But something about it stirred something inside of me.  I really realized how much was missing from that picture.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO VERY BLESSED by the four beautiful children God has given us, but you could see the gap there.  I mean it's like stair steps and then a very big gap- ages 10, 8, 6 and then 2.  It made me sad for a minute.  I didn't cry.  I didn't question God.  I just contemplated how that situation could be different.  Imagine how full our arms will be in heaven with all of our children around us!!!  There won't be gaps in photos or missing children!  I am healing.  Sure, I have sad moments, times I desire to hold my little baby.  Times I just want him now.  But, I have a hope that again one day I'll be united with my babies, and Lord willing all of my children will be there and we'll all dance at the feet of Jesus and continually sing praise to Him!

Missing the Time

I don't pay attention to time now as much as at the beginning.  That is a good thing.  Yet I also find sometimes I feel guilty.  Like I missed the 6 month mark...it was on Friday.  I guess I did blog that day, but didn't even realize the significance of the day.  This morning as I sat in church I got another wave of sadness.  That hasn't happened in quite some time.  There were just little babies e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and I thought, "My baby would be maybe about a month old amongst all these other little ones."  And I wanted to be in that group of women too- holding, cuddling and loving on my baby boy.  Sometimes it stinks to feel so empty- where in my arms I should be holding a precious baby I hold dead air.  Or when my two year old wants me to hold her babies and love on them I can't help but think that I wish I were holding my baby, a real baby.

On another note I feel very fortunate and blessed by the people I've met through the death of Nathaniel.  I more than likely wouldn't have met these women and felt so bonded if it weren't for the events that happened in June.  As much as it stinks to go through, as much as it hurts to lose a baby, a child you never got to know, it also feels wonderful to feel something good from it all.  I can't stand the thought that the other women I've gotten to know have been through similar circumstances, but at the same time it is so comforting to know they know.  They get it.  So, to you, my friends who've walked with me these past 6 months living the pain yourself, thank you.  And I thank God for placing you in my life.

Being Blessed

This morning at our co-op Christmas practice I had the opportunity to talk to a woman who's also had two babies die.  It was my first opportunity really getting to talk to her and get to know her and I feel like it was totally God-ordained that we were in the nursery together.  It was wonderful to hear her tell of her precious baby, Daisy, who she delivered in January.  She is now pregnant and due around the same time Daisy was 'born'.  It was encouraging to hear her account of how God worked in that situation.  I shared with her parts of my story and I told her of a verse a dear woman shared with me yesterday, Exodus 23: 25, 26 "Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span."  She shared with me verses about the Israelites drinking the bitter water in Marah, and how God then led them to the sweet waters of Elam.  She shared how she had to go through the difficult, bitter waters of losing a baby, but that she has peace with this pregnancy and how her sweet "Elam" is coming!!!  By the way, she's naming her baby Elam!  I was just so encouraged!!!

On another note, Thanksgiving was rather quiet and uneventful.  I made a nice meal and we just had a really lazy day.  I didn't get too 'sad' about it, but just tried to enjoy it.  Sorry I've been MIA a bit...just haven't had a whole lot to say!