In Loving Memory

This morning I had an opportunity to attend a Memorial Service for a fellow "Mommy" who's baby went to heaven all too soon.  I clearly remember the phone call I received last week and the reawakening of feelings  as I was told  that this dear mommy's baby had died in her womb.  Her story sounded so similar to mine- baby died about 16 weeks, going to hospital to be induced, delivering a precious baby boy.  And here today, on a beautiful, sunny August morning we got to honor this precious baby's life, to mourn with this family and to rejoice in the precious life that was given them, if even for a short while.

It was a beautiful setting.  A glorious sunny morning with a beautiful breeze waving the branches of the trees above us.  Music softly playing.  A beautiful table set out to hold too tiny a 'box'.  Flowers with significant meaning surrounding the table- red, white, yellow, blue.  People.  Lots and lots of people there to support a mommy and daddy and to remember a precious life.  Tears.  They came naturally, as I know too well the pain that goes along with a day like today.  It seems so unfair.  Why should we have to bury a baby, our child, ahead of ourselves?  A child who never breathed a breath in this life.  One we held, yet had to let go of.  My fellow '"mommies", there to support one of us.  We all know.  We all grieve for this family, yet we also feel our own grief.  All too raw.  Wide open, split apart, tears falling. 

A beautiful service.  Daddy carrying his precious baby in a 'box' to be set before us on the table.  Speaking words, through tears, of Hope.  Mommy & Daddy, brother & sister, family placing flowers in honor of their precious baby.  Fellow "mommies" placing a white carnation in memory of our babies.  Too many mommies.  Heartbreaking.  We are not alone and yet it's not comforting to see other's who have been there.  To see even the tears of one from the funeral home, a woman who has "seen" death and worked with families numerous times, yet still touched by such a tiny life.  A butterfly flitting through the service.  I noticed that small gift, amazed.  Comforting words, words of Hope, spoken by God himself, our source of hope.  That is how we make it through.  That is how this fellow "mommy" and "daddy" can get through each day- our Hope.  Grief and tears.  Yet our Hope, He knows and He holds us.  He grieves too.  Releasing balloons.  Blue and white into a clear blue sunny sky.  Beauty.  God's gift- truly.  The release is so difficult.  Do we have to let go?  It signifies so much. 

Five years!?!

Has it really been five years since I miscarried our little baby "Grace"?  I remember that day like it was yesterday and yet at the same time it seems like forever ago.  As I sat upon the time last night I couldn't help but marvel that this little one would be 4-5 years old!  Maybe Grace would be starting kindergarten this year!  What would it be like to have this child running around, amongst the siblings?  Would Grace be just that 'full of grace' or would I need an extra measure of grace for this child?  As much as I wish for this child to be here I also can't help but be thankful that "she's" not...if "she" were we wouldn't have our little A, who is almost 3.  Isn't it funny how that works out?  Just as I old little baby N in my arms, I think about Nathaniel.  If Nathaniel had lived baby N wouldn't be here.  Not like I wish for one child to live and one to die, but God knows.  I rest in Him, knowing He knows this is best for the children, for our family, even though the pain stinks.  And one day I will meet our little Grace in Glory!  Maybe "she" will be the one to greet me and introduce me to Malachi and Nathaniel!  Meanwhile, even though I don't know if this baby was a boy or girl, I can't help but picture this blond long haired beauty running through fields of flowers, sitting on Jesus' lap and smiling the biggest grin.