Five years!?!

Has it really been five years since I miscarried our little baby "Grace"?  I remember that day like it was yesterday and yet at the same time it seems like forever ago.  As I sat upon the time last night I couldn't help but marvel that this little one would be 4-5 years old!  Maybe Grace would be starting kindergarten this year!  What would it be like to have this child running around, amongst the siblings?  Would Grace be just that 'full of grace' or would I need an extra measure of grace for this child?  As much as I wish for this child to be here I also can't help but be thankful that "she's" not...if "she" were we wouldn't have our little A, who is almost 3.  Isn't it funny how that works out?  Just as I old little baby N in my arms, I think about Nathaniel.  If Nathaniel had lived baby N wouldn't be here.  Not like I wish for one child to live and one to die, but God knows.  I rest in Him, knowing He knows this is best for the children, for our family, even though the pain stinks.  And one day I will meet our little Grace in Glory!  Maybe "she" will be the one to greet me and introduce me to Malachi and Nathaniel!  Meanwhile, even though I don't know if this baby was a boy or girl, I can't help but picture this blond long haired beauty running through fields of flowers, sitting on Jesus' lap and smiling the biggest grin.