Changin' My Look Oct 3, 2010

In honor of the month I'm changing the look of my blog.  This background is called Gracie.  How fitting is that, since I've "named" our first baby we lost Grace.  I am not sure if this baby was a boy or girl, but everywhere I turned there was something about "grace".  It just was fitting to name the baby the name I did.  It hasn't been until recently that we've really begun to use the name.  Zach wasn't keen on it, not knowing the sex of the baby, but the kids seem to have picked up on the name.  I also wanted a blue color, in honor of my boys in heaven, Malachi and Nathaniel.  The flowers are just fitting as well.  I also asked Hannah to help me and out of the three I found this was our favorite. 

Last night I had a really difficult night.  Who am I kidding, yesterday was just a hard day- emotionally, hormonally, mommy-wise, etc.  This is what I wrote on facebook last night as I had turned out the light and got ready to fall asleep: 

Before it even registers in my mind my body just knows the time...and then the grief hits like a slap in the face and the tears fall in their own accord. It's been 4 months. I would be due in exactly a month (on the 3rd). No wonder my day was so difficult.

It was so weird, I was up reading and I was fine.  I turned out the light and the tears just began to fall.  They seemed to come out of nowhere.  Then it just dawned on me.  Sometimes you just have those moments.  You just fall apart and later realize exactly why!