Family Changes

Well, I've had a new baby and it is amazing!  I feel like I really neglect this blog and I'm sorry if you come looking for more and there's nothing.  I just had to come on here to say a few words.  Just because I have a new baby doesn't mean I don't think about Nathaniel.  Not a day has gone by that I don't gaze at our new little girl and wonder if he would look as she looks.  What would life have been like with him here?  On the other hand, I wouldn't have this little girl to cuddle and love on if Nathaniel hadn't gone to heaven.  How do you find balance in that?  It's not like I wished him gone or want him gone, but at the same time I sure want baby N here too.  I remember it was the same after losing Grace and Malachi when I finally had A.  I didn't want to lose those two babies but then I wouldn't have had little A to grace our lives.  I think of the lyrics, "You give and take away, You give and take away, Lord blessed be Your Name."  He gives and He takes away and we simply need to praise Him in it all, as difficult as it is in those times that He takes away.  So friends, whether the sun is shining down on you or you're found in that desert place, hang on and continue to praise His name. 

One

It has been one year since baby Nathaniel.  That is so hard to believe.  The year has been so difficult and challenging.  I never would have thought I'd get through it, but here I am.  I've been preparing myself for this day (mentally) as much as I can!  Yesterday as I was driving in the car the song "I Can Only Imagine" came on the radio.  I just let myself lose it.  It felt so good.  This morning as I was laying in bed thinking on this day I put the song "I Will Carry You" on by Selah and just let myself cry again.  It's hard not to wonder what our little boy would be like today if he were here on earth.  He would be about 7 months old.  Probably crawling around.  It'd be neat to see him interact with his siblings and my friend's baby boy who is 9 months.  But alas, he is so much better off where he's at! 

The other day I had to go to the doctor and was at the same office where we found out he had died.  I was just one day shy of hitting the one year mark since we'd found out (we found out on the 2nd).  That was difficult and I try to avoid that office if I can!  Just brings back too many memories of that horrendous day...here we were so anxious to see if our baby was a boy or a girl and we found out he was no longer living.  Talk about a gut punch!

Some people think that because I have another baby on the way I should just...I don't know, not forget about him, but not dwell on it.  Not like I do dwell on it.  And boy I am so thankful for another baby on the way (not sure if I've even mentioned that on this blog), but it doesn't take away the pain of losing a baby, or the gap that that leaves in our family.  Those who have experienced the loss of a baby know what I mean.  And I think about how I wouldn't have our sweet two and a half year old, or even the baby on the way, if we hadn't lost the babies we've lost.  It's so crazy to imagine life without them (even though this baby is not here yet).  Yet, its so difficult to think about what we're missing with our babies in heaven. 


This morning the kiddos and I got balloons and went to Saylorville Lake and released them (I sure wish hubby were here to have joined us, but he is deployed).  I wanted to sing Happy Birthday or something out there also but I was so hot and that little two year old I mentioned was not happy about no longer having her balloon!  Sweet 11 year old told me later on that she got a bit teary.  I was just too overwhelmed with my hugely pregnant body and 4 kiddos to feel much of anything!

I don't know that I can say I'm thankful for this past year, but good has come from it.  I hit the lowest point in my life during that time, but I learned to keep holding on to God and finally allowed Him to pull me up from that tiny strand of string into His arms again.  I came to new heights in my walk with Him, my eyes were opened to things they otherwise wouldn't have been opened to.  I met some amazing women through Mommies with Hope that I probably otherwise wouldn't have met.  They were (and still are) a huge support.  I was even able to minister, encourage and pray for other's who have since had babies die.  Yesterday my 11 year old said, "Why do your babies have to die?  Why can't it be somebody else's?"  I don't know the answer to that.  But I know that I wouldn't wish other's to have babies die, for the pain can seem so unbearable.  I do know that God can take the ashes and create beauty.  I'm so thankful for His patience and love for me this past year, for His grace as I struggled to hold on to Him.  I'm thankful that, if even for a short time, I got to carry yet another child within.  I'm thankful that one day I can hold my son in heaven- that we'll be reunited for eternity.

Well, it's Christmas

Here we are, Christmas is almost behind us.  I've been thinking of so many of you, my dear friends, today.  I have friend who's babies have died or mothers, or someone close to them this year and it's you who's been on my heart.  I've also thought about my own baby.  As I was singing to my sweet A tonight, putting her to sleep, I began crying as I thought about how I could also be singing to my sweet little Nathaniel.  I about busted up crying in church last night, thinking how it'd be his first Christmas and seeing other little babies who were celebrating their first Christmas.  It is just not easy, is it?  As we ate dinner I pondered how I'd maybe be nursing our little babe at the same time.  It was a busy morning with presents and a quiet day otherwise, but there were moments where I thought of my precious baby and wondered how this day would be different with him here.  I'm really thankful this year is almost over...2010 has been a very difficult trying year.  I'm praying 2011 will be filled with so many wonderful, new beginnings.  God is good.  I'm thankful for all He's taught me this year through losing Nathaniel.  I just pray I always remember and carry the things with me.  Merry Christmas to you all!  I say this with a somewhat heavy heart as I know it's maybe not as merry as it 'could' be. 

Ornaments

This first one, it's hard to read.  On one side it says Nathaniel Larry.  On the other the date, June 3, 2010.  I made this at a Grief Symposium I attended.

The G is for baby "Grace", the M for Malachi.  What great additions to our tree this year!  For me not being very craftsy I'm proud of how they turned out!

Just when you thought it was easy...

Today was a difficult day in church.  There were many times I just wanted to burst out crying.  Through Christmas songs, through the sermon, you name it and I could've lost it.  I really had to hold back on the tears.  In part I was thinking of the baby Jesus, born simply to die for me and you, and how awesome His story is.  I was also thinking about some people in our church who lost spouses this year, namely a young gal whose husband passed of cancer.  In another sense I was thinking how this "would" be my baby's first Christmas and how joyous it would be.  I thought how I'd be gazing into his little face while singing, "Joy to the World" and just feeling such awe at another new life, another child to raise.  Alas, my arms were empty and my heart a bit sad, but how can I still not have hope when I hear the story of Jesus?  I'm thankful I can hope in Him.  Remember to thank Him this Christmas season.  He truly is the Reason.  The reason to live, the reason to hope, the reason to love.  Merry Christmas, friends!

This n That

The past couple of days have been a bit more difficult for some reason.  Last night my children had their Christmas program.  As I lay in bed, I pondered how different the day would have been had our baby been here too.  I was already busy with doing school, getting dinner, baking something for the program and getting the kiddos ready.  I was thinking how much more work it would have been with a newborn- trying to fit in feedings and all!  But I would love that!  Just little things sometimes hit you...how you'd have another child to bundle up to go out in the cold.  Or how our room would be different if we had a cradle in it...with a new baby sleeping next to us.  Last night I was wishing I could nurse my baby boy and hold him close.  I was imagining him gazing up at my face as he nursed...his precious little face.  I was even thinking about how after I have a baby I sweat like crazy at night and how I'd probably still be doing that!!!

Thursday night I went out with the Mommies with Hope group and made Christmas decorations.  Since I recently made one at another function for Nathaniel and didn't have any for my other babies I made one for each of them.  When I get them back I'll post a picture of them.  I thought maybe it'd be hard to do, but the group of ladies made it great.  It's crazy to think that a bunch of ladies who miss their babies can have such a good time together!!!

I wanted to buy some battery operated candles (three) to put in my living room windows for my babies, but the ones I looked at so far were so ugly!  I know they'd be hidden in a window, but still, I didn't want something so ugly!  I'm hoping to browse a few other stores at some point.

Something's Missing

Monday my husband took a picture of the kids in front of the tree when I wasn't around.  When I got onto facebook I saw I was tagged in the picture.  It was a good picture.  But something about it stirred something inside of me.  I really realized how much was missing from that picture.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO VERY BLESSED by the four beautiful children God has given us, but you could see the gap there.  I mean it's like stair steps and then a very big gap- ages 10, 8, 6 and then 2.  It made me sad for a minute.  I didn't cry.  I didn't question God.  I just contemplated how that situation could be different.  Imagine how full our arms will be in heaven with all of our children around us!!!  There won't be gaps in photos or missing children!  I am healing.  Sure, I have sad moments, times I desire to hold my little baby.  Times I just want him now.  But, I have a hope that again one day I'll be united with my babies, and Lord willing all of my children will be there and we'll all dance at the feet of Jesus and continually sing praise to Him!