The Big T

Tomorrow is our first 'big' holiday to face without Nathaniel.  Not that we had the chance to have any with him.  That's just the point.  I tried inviting numerous people over.  It's difficult living here.  No military (well there are military but they all are FROM Iowa).  No family.  All the people here have family somewhat nearby.  We tried to open up our home to some college students, but apparently they were all able to go home or elsewhere.  I remember in college various families having us students over for special holidays if we didn't make it home.  And those times impacted me.  I'd love to do the same!  I think especially more so this year.  I just didn't want to be 'alone' where I'll have the chance to dwell on it.  Not like I won't be busy- I'll be cooking up a delicious feast for my hubby, children and I.  But, the thought of the emptiness.  How I could be hustling around getting dinner and juggling a baby :)  I sure long for that!  Holidays just are difficult enough for us, with no family nearby to celebrate with.  I grew up surrounded with family on the holidays!  I hate that my children miss out on that!  It's almost just like another day around here, besides all the food!  But now, as we ponder not just an empty spot where one baby should be, but three....it will just be a sore spot.  But we'll remember.  And we'll celebrate.  And stuff ourselves.  I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving.  And for my friends who have lost loved ones please know I'm thinking of you too!!

It's Approaching

The approaching holidays haven't really hit me yet, although today was a bit more difficult.  I began thinking about Thanksgiving.  We'll probably be spending it alone, although we've opened it up to various people who may have nowhere to go.  It's hard enough spending holidays without family, but when there's an emptiness, when you know you should also have a new family member to celebrate the day, it makes it even more difficult.  Then this afternoon I was walking around Kohl's.  I had to walk past the baby section to get to my two year old's size and I tried to not look, but of course I saw the baby boy "My First Christmas" clothes and tried to quickly turn my thoughts elsewhere.  Sigh.  Then I was thinking of a friend, who will be celebrating her son's first Christmas and how I wish I were also celebrating our son's first Christmas.  I guess there is no easy way around it.  I just hate that we have to be here and wish we could be joyfully holding our baby boy and dreaming of his first Christmas with us.  I know he's in a much better place and will be celebrating with the Reason we have Christmas- Jesus!  How blessed he is!!!

Saturday morning

I was just sitting here, enjoying this Saturday morning, relaxing.  We've spent the morning reading and playing with Lego's.  I've been enjoying hearing the sounds of my children playing together with Lego's here in the living room (normally they're in the basement playing but they took a big tub up in the living room).  It's so relaxing and peaceful, warm under my Packer blanket as I listen to the wind outside and the sounds of their voices.  And then a thought triggers.  How at this very moment I "could" be maybe holding or nursing or gazing at our precious baby boy.  To think of the added joy he'd add to our enjoyable Saturday morning at home.  How much more fun would it be to have another child in our home to love, nurture and watch grow!  I wish that as I sat here, listening to the children exclaiming over their Lego creations, typing away, that I was also snuggling my baby boy.  Oh, how I long for that day to hold my three heavenly babies close!!!  I'm so thankful that as I think about all of this I no longer get angry or burst into tears.  As much as I long for my baby, there is a certain wave of peace that washes over me.  Peace that can only come from God, as He's shaped and pruned me these past few months.  All glory to Him!

Comments

Amongst the laughs and cinnamon rolls at Bible study last night we also had some great discussion.  The chapter was about the comments we receive after we lose a baby.  I'm sure if you've lost a baby that you, too, have gotten some comments that have raised your blood pressure or left your mouth hanging wide open.  It is so hard to deal with sometimes, but what she talked about in the book was to look at the person's heart.  Do you think they say the words in love?  Are they trying to be comforting to you?  I'm sure most comments we receive are said in love and concern for us.  This is something I need to remember!!!  Especially when some comments still 'haunt' me!  We also discussed how we feel when people don't say anything at all- when they don't ask how we're doing or ask about our baby.  I think it was pretty much agreed upon all that we'd much rather you say something than nothing at all.  We want our babies to be remembered!  We want to know you remember we even had a baby and we want to know you care for us.  I know sometimes people don't know what to say, but even just, "I'm thinking about you" or "I'm praying for you" works.  I know within the past couple of weeks I've gotten some very touching emails, facebook messages, etc from people I never would've thought were praying for me.  You have no idea how encouraging those words are- such unexpected words!  This is a reminder for myself also, to not only reach out to those who've lost a baby and ask how they're doing, but to reach out to those who may be hurting and tell them they're in my prayers.  On that thought I'm going to do just that!

Whew, that was more difficult than I anticipated

Today I went to a Grief Symposium at a local funeral home.  I offered to go and help Teske with the Mommies with Hope table, but I also was interested in the topic- Grief & the Holidays.  I have been dreading the approaching holidays and was hoping to obtain some great info on how to survive the upcoming months.  Rather than much of a talk, they had different activities planned and it was very good.  We broke up into different 'sections' to do various activities and it was difficult yet good.  One of the things we did was make an ornament.  It was glass and we could put tinsel inside.  I wrote Nathaniel's name on it and his 'birth'day.  i think it will be a special treasure and addition to our tree.  It really tore me apart to hear bits and pieces of people talking who've lost loved ones.  Moms, spouses...and elderly man by me saying he didn't know how he wasn't looking forward to the holidays at all since his wife died 7 months ago.  I just wanted to break into tears.  I did cry a bit at one point and could've probably balled at other points, but I held it in.  I didn't want to lose it!  I'm very glad I was able to go.  I have a whole folder of information and I look forward to reading about ways I can remember our babies this Christmas season.  On a bit of a 'funny' note (funny to me), as the different people representing organizations went to the front and spoke a bit of what resources they offer I was feeling a bit like a social worker!  It reminded me so much of college, my internship and learning the different resources in communities.  On a side note for those who don't know I have a BSW (Bachelor of Social Work) degree.

A Story

I am not a very outgoing person, although as a child I was quite a bit more shy than I am now.  I don't really consider myself shy as an adult, but I don't normally walk up to strangers and begin talking to them and it takes me awhile to open up with you.  I prefer people to come up to me- then I'll smile and talk away!  Anyway, this 'story' is a God one.

At the retreat last weekend they had a prayer room.  It was awesome.  You could go in it and pray.  Also, each woman that signed up for the retreat had been prayed for specifically by name and under a specific fruit of the Holy Spirit.  We could go to the prayer room and look at the list to see what was being prayed for for us.  I went in the room and stood in line, waiting my turn to see the lists.  I noticed one or two women talking with people on the chairs and couches and then turned away.  However, I could hear, through tears one of the women's words.  Just four or five words that went something like this, "I lost my babies."  I found my spot at the table with my card, 'gentltness' (how perfect for so often I lack this with my children) and left the room.  I paused outside the door though.  I wanted to go to the woman.  But how weird would that be?  I wasn't eavesdropping, I heard only those words out of her mouth, through her sobs.  And I knew her pain.  I wondered if she'd seen the Mommies with Hope table, but figured she hadn't since I had been one of the gals standing near it during breaks. 

I decided to go back into the main room and eat my lunch, but the thought of her wouldn't leave.  I tried to search her out but had no success in doing so.  Then I told a couple of women at my table about her.  I just had such a strong burden for her and wanted to reach out to her!!!  Yet I didn't want to seem like a weirdo who was listening to her pour out her heart to some other woman in the prayer room!  What to do!?!?  What if I did see her again?  What if I didn't? 

About that time she walked in.  My heart beat a little faster and I told the gals I saw her.  They encouraged me to talk to her.  Each step I took seemed so daunting, and yet the Holy Spirit prodded me on.  I'm not even sure how I began to talk to her, what words poured out of my mouth.  But she was able to tell me her story, about her precoius babies gone on ahead of her to heaven.  I empathized with her and shared just a bit of mine.  She told how she doesn't really have support, how people at her church don't understand, etc.  I'm sure many of us have felt that way also!  I shared with her about Mommies with Hope.  She doesn't live near Central Iowa to be able to attend a meeting, she doesn't have internet at home, but she does have family in Des Moines!  I gave her my number, email, etc (and some Mommies with Hope info) and she did likewise.  I've been praying for her.  I hope to send her a card or make a phone call soon.

I don't know why I tell you this.  I'm not gloating- it was all God, His Holy Spirit.  Through our trials and pains, through our losses I think we eventually come to a point when we want God to use that for His glory.  I know after my second loss that was right away.  This time it took a little longer, but I eventually have reached that point (all praise to God).  And so, I simply desire God to use me.  I want Him to use my story, my babies short lives, my struggle through the losses for His glory, to help others who also walk this difficult road.  What have you done to allow God to use you?  Whether you've lost a baby or not, we all have stories to tell.  Don't be afraid.  Allow Him to move you.  I pray that in some way I encouraged this woman and that that will not cease.

Cards

We never retrieved the mail yesterday, so today there were a few goodies in there.  One was a card from the hospital where I delivered Nathaniel, saying they're thinking of us as they know my due date was approaching!  I was shocked!  How sweet and thoughtful!  It is great to see hospitals have such wonderful programs for us who suffer pregnancy loss.  I also received a card from my dear friend, Amy.  Her precious baby boy went to be with Jesus 2 weeks before mine.  Thank you so much, Amy!!!  It meant the world to me!  It's little gestures and reminders that bring a smile to my face.

Today I was talking to a friend on the phone (well actually I had multiple phone conversations today)!  She was asking how I've been doing this week and said she's been praying.  I told her how it really hasn't been as difficult as I anticipated.  Of course being sick took my mind off of the days significance, but even the rest of the week it's just been...ok.  I've had some moments of tears and sadness but nothing what I feared.  Much of it is because of the truth of God embedded in my mind.  I'm just in such a 'good place' right now.  I was even sharing with her how I am finding the good in being sick (and let me tell you, I was very sick).  It is totally GOD that has changed my thinking pattern for the better.  Two or three months ago I would have been so negative!  He is so good, so gracious!

Not as planned

Well, this day didn't go as I planned.  I wanted to maybe write a letter to Nathaniel, which I guess I did here on my blog.  I wanted to maybe have the kids write letters or draw a picture that I could put in his memory box.  I wanted to maybe release balloons today.  None of that happened.  I awoke this morning feeling awful and it just continued to get worse.  I have the flu. 

I keep wondering why today of all days.  Maybe God just didnt' want me to dwell on today or to be sad about what today 'could be'.  With how sick I am I haven't had a chance to think about this day much, aside from the sweet comments, emails or cards I've gotten.  And that is ok.  I don't want to be totally sad, making the day totally miserable.  I know God doesn't want that either.  But I also want to remember.

In light of my sickness today my children were so well-behaved (maybe I need to be sick more often).  I went downstairs twice all day, and both times regretted that.  I've only gotten out of bed, outside of those two times, to head to the bathroom.  My oldest, who is 10, has been a huge help.  I asked if she'd take the youngest downstairs to breakfast this morning and she did.  From there she was Superwoman today- taking over the affairs of the household!  She put dishes in the dishwasher away, washed dishes by hand, continually cleaned up, made sure they all ate lunch, brought me breakfast (though I could only eat about 5 bites), made me a card and had her brothers do the same, etc, etc.  What a huge blessing!  I haven't had the flu in ages and I'm so thankful for that!  I could not imagine being this sick if I didn't have my little helper girl!  She is such a servant!  She kept coming to me and asking if I wanted something to eat. 

I had a few friends offer to bring dinner or watch kids, but I don't want to pass this on!  My dear friend, C, who I know through our homeschool group brought dinner for our family!  What a blessing that was!  Thank you so very much, C!

Zach came home from work with smoe medicine for me, as well as three roses- yellow, red and pink for our three heavenly babies and a sweet, sweet card.  I cried, of course. 

So today took a different turn than I had planned in my haed.  I can see the good in it, even though I'm still very, very miserable in bed!  And it is a good 'feeling' to see good in light of something bad!  It takes time, friends, but it'll happen.  Do not lose hope!  Please pray the rest of my family doesn't get this.  It is miserable!

Dear Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

Today was "the" day- the day we counted down to for 18 weeks.  Today was your due date.  Today Mommy is empty- empty womb, empty arms but I am also full of the love of God.  How I long to hold you!!!  How I desire to stroke your cheek and to kiss the top of your head.  It's so easy to think of what might have been and yet these past 22 weeks I can so evidently see God's hand at work.  He never ceases to amaze me.

I wonder what you are up to in heaven.  How old are you?  Do you frolic with your two siblings through fields so beautiful I cannot even imagine their grandeur?  Do you sit at the feet of Jesus and sing His praises?  I wonder if there is a window in heaven where you can glimpse us here on earth, if you're given the opportunity to see how much you are missed.  Not a day goes by that I haven't thought of you, my son.

The first two months after you died were so difficult to get through.  I really questioned God, my faith and really just about everything.  I kept fearing what would happen next.  I was paranoid.  I lacked any hope and barely hung on to God (thankfully He's always got a firm grip on us).  I was so angry.  All I wanted, my only desire was to hold you, my precious baby.  And yet God had other, better things in store.  I'm still trying to figure out what some of those things are, but these past two months He's sure been teaching me a lot and really growing me.

He always uses our difficult circumstances to grow us, if we allow it.  I've finally opened up to allow Him to and it has been trying, tiring and amazing.  It is difficult to know that something better may be in store when your baby is snatched away from you.  Or to think that God may be protecting me (or maybe even you).  But He is Sovereign and I have trust that, despite how difficult it sometimes is. 

Through this fleeting life of yours there has been good.  I am growing nearer to my Lord Jesus.  Daddy and I have drawn nearer to one another, and clung to one another when things seemed they couldn't get any worse.  I have met new friends, people who have blessed me in numerous ways and people I probably wouldn't have met otherwise.  I have been able to minister to others through my loss as they also have had their precious babies die.  It is amazing how your life, which was never lived here on earth, could touch people and minister to them. 

I am so blessed to be your mommy, to carry you for even a short time.  It was such an honor.  As one woman who I so highly esteem states, "A pregnancy is a visit from God."  He created you in my womb.  He knit you together there with His own hands.  It is amazing.  There will never be another you.  You are so very special.  To think that when our family gets to heaven I will have seven children there to hold, play with and love!!!  What a blessed Mama I am!  I anticipate meeting you in heaven- what a reunion it will be to see you, Malachi and Grace!  And of course to bow down and worship Jesus.

I love you with all my heart, miss you with all my being and anticipate our heavenly meeting,
Mama

What a wonderful word of encouragement!!!

NO LONGER WORRIED
I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize the Lord is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest positions He must give me His grace, and in the most difficult, His grace is sufficient.

--Hudson Taylor, missionary and founder of China Inland Mission (now Overseas Missionary Fellowship)

Smell the flowers

Haha, I love seeing my son, G, working on his schoolwork in the background!

Thanks, Mom!

Today I was heading out when the FedEx man showed up.  I honestly didn't think he was coming to my house- they never come to my house!  Lo and behold, he had a box of flowers.  I received 3 precious small yellow roses from my Mom with the sweetest note telling me she remembers our babies.  I was, of course, crying.  It means so much that people remember, especially in light of this week.  I will cherish the flowers and most especially the sweet note attached.  I love you, Mom!