Dear Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

Today was "the" day- the day we counted down to for 18 weeks.  Today was your due date.  Today Mommy is empty- empty womb, empty arms but I am also full of the love of God.  How I long to hold you!!!  How I desire to stroke your cheek and to kiss the top of your head.  It's so easy to think of what might have been and yet these past 22 weeks I can so evidently see God's hand at work.  He never ceases to amaze me.

I wonder what you are up to in heaven.  How old are you?  Do you frolic with your two siblings through fields so beautiful I cannot even imagine their grandeur?  Do you sit at the feet of Jesus and sing His praises?  I wonder if there is a window in heaven where you can glimpse us here on earth, if you're given the opportunity to see how much you are missed.  Not a day goes by that I haven't thought of you, my son.

The first two months after you died were so difficult to get through.  I really questioned God, my faith and really just about everything.  I kept fearing what would happen next.  I was paranoid.  I lacked any hope and barely hung on to God (thankfully He's always got a firm grip on us).  I was so angry.  All I wanted, my only desire was to hold you, my precious baby.  And yet God had other, better things in store.  I'm still trying to figure out what some of those things are, but these past two months He's sure been teaching me a lot and really growing me.

He always uses our difficult circumstances to grow us, if we allow it.  I've finally opened up to allow Him to and it has been trying, tiring and amazing.  It is difficult to know that something better may be in store when your baby is snatched away from you.  Or to think that God may be protecting me (or maybe even you).  But He is Sovereign and I have trust that, despite how difficult it sometimes is. 

Through this fleeting life of yours there has been good.  I am growing nearer to my Lord Jesus.  Daddy and I have drawn nearer to one another, and clung to one another when things seemed they couldn't get any worse.  I have met new friends, people who have blessed me in numerous ways and people I probably wouldn't have met otherwise.  I have been able to minister to others through my loss as they also have had their precious babies die.  It is amazing how your life, which was never lived here on earth, could touch people and minister to them. 

I am so blessed to be your mommy, to carry you for even a short time.  It was such an honor.  As one woman who I so highly esteem states, "A pregnancy is a visit from God."  He created you in my womb.  He knit you together there with His own hands.  It is amazing.  There will never be another you.  You are so very special.  To think that when our family gets to heaven I will have seven children there to hold, play with and love!!!  What a blessed Mama I am!  I anticipate meeting you in heaven- what a reunion it will be to see you, Malachi and Grace!  And of course to bow down and worship Jesus.

I love you with all my heart, miss you with all my being and anticipate our heavenly meeting,
Mama