Note: This email contains things I've been struggling with. It comes from my heart and has not been proofread to be put in proper paragraphs, so it may jump from one subject to another.
Today marks a month that we laid Malachi's little body in the ground. In ways it seems like just yesterday, but it also feels like ages ago. I feel like life just continues (which it does), but I also feel like sometimes I don't want to move on. I feel like I just want to sit and think about my baby- what he would have been like, who he would have looked like, what it would feel to hold him in my arms, to comfort and nurture him. And I won't ever get those times to cherish with him. I feel like the rest of the world has forgotten that we recently lost him. Life just continues on as normal, and there is no mention of Malachi. Which is fine, at times. I don't expect him to be brought up in every conversation or email but he is never far from my thoughts. Even my children talk about him less and at times it grieves me. Just yesterday Little Man asked if I had another baby in my belly. Oh, how I wish. I keep thinking that in a 'perfect' world I already would have had the baby I lost back in August, so we'd be enjoying a baby in our home. In a 'perfect' world if that baby hadn't been formed then I'd be 24 weeks pregnant with Malachi. I'd be feeling him move, kick and hiccup. In a 'perfect' world Cuddly Boy wouldn't have broken his leg, because if Malachi hadn't died we would have gone to that friend's house back in February and not Monday when his leg got broken. Of course, this isn't a perfect world, but you do think of things like that (at least I do).
For the most part I am ok. I don't constantly think of Malachi (who has time with three other children). And that bothers me. I know I shouldn't be consumed with thoughts of him, but sometimes I feel like I should think about him more. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm being punished by my babies being taken away and with Cuddly Boys leg. Maybe I'm not a good enough mom. I yell too much and don't discipline properly. I don't get down on the floor and constantly play with them. Sometimes I spend more time on the computer than doing things with my family. All of this eats away at me at times and I wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a mom and if I will even be blessed with more babies. I'm having the hardest time even picturing anymore babies in our family and that bothers me too. I'm fearful to get pregnant again (and don't anticipate 'trying' for awhile), but at the same time my heart and arms ache to hold a baby- MY baby- in my arms. I keep hearing news of other ladies expecting, and while I'm thrilled I'm also angry, jealous and sad. Why them? Why not me? Am I undeserving? Then all of that guilt sets in again about possibly not being a good enough mother. Or wife. I know there are things I should be doing that I don't do. There are things I do that I shouldn't. I know it all and yet I can't seem to change. Will I ever change? I know God wants better things of me, but how? When will I wake up and change my ways? You'd think I'd already have had a wake-up call.
Sometimes I feel forgotten. So many phone calls, cards, emails, visits in the 'thick' of our storm. But now? My phone barely rings. My inbox isn't as full. Visits? What are those? You see, my heart still hurts for the one I lost. Like I stated earlier, I feel like everybody else has forgotten. They don't have to live with the knowledge that their body is not as it should be. Which is a whole other problem of mine. I feel so fat. I hate my body. After all, it can't seem to continue a pregnancy when it should. My thighs are becoming thunderous...every step I feel like the boom, boom, boom gets louder. My waist disgusts me. Normally I have a baby, nurse and am tiny. Well, the past two times I've been pregnant, lost the baby, and while not gaining too much weight, I've also not been able to lose it. And it makes me mad. If I'm not pregnant, then I want to be skinny and to feel good about my body.
Another thing that has been bothering me is my social life, or lack thereof. What is a social life? How do homeschool moms socialize??? I know there are park days, field trips, etc, but what if those don't work out? I think I feel lonely. You see, in North Carolina and North Dakota I had close friends. Sometimes I think I have them here, but not always. Well, my friend, Angie, has been a dear to me and always calls to check up on me (and I appreciate that, Ange). But she's moving this summer. So, then what? Why can't I seem to just have at least 1 good friend. Somebody to talk to when times are tough. Somebody to pop in on spur of the moment. To share lunches, play dates, laughs and tears? In NC I had a friend, Kim. We were always together- our children always playing. I know life is busier as I have added on a child since then, in addition to having 'school' now, but homeschool moms still have close friends, don't they? Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I miss my friends, my family, my babies. I feel inadequate in my life right now, like I just can't get a handle on things and do what I should be doing.
I just wanted to be honest. On the outside, I look ok. I look normal and sound like things are fine. And sometimes they are. But, I just feel such an inner battle right now. And I hate it. And I hate that I'm burdening you all with more of my woes. Well, if you don't like it, then just quit reading my blog...because its MY blog!
Today marks a month that we laid Malachi's little body in the ground. In ways it seems like just yesterday, but it also feels like ages ago. I feel like life just continues (which it does), but I also feel like sometimes I don't want to move on. I feel like I just want to sit and think about my baby- what he would have been like, who he would have looked like, what it would feel to hold him in my arms, to comfort and nurture him. And I won't ever get those times to cherish with him. I feel like the rest of the world has forgotten that we recently lost him. Life just continues on as normal, and there is no mention of Malachi. Which is fine, at times. I don't expect him to be brought up in every conversation or email but he is never far from my thoughts. Even my children talk about him less and at times it grieves me. Just yesterday Little Man asked if I had another baby in my belly. Oh, how I wish. I keep thinking that in a 'perfect' world I already would have had the baby I lost back in August, so we'd be enjoying a baby in our home. In a 'perfect' world if that baby hadn't been formed then I'd be 24 weeks pregnant with Malachi. I'd be feeling him move, kick and hiccup. In a 'perfect' world Cuddly Boy wouldn't have broken his leg, because if Malachi hadn't died we would have gone to that friend's house back in February and not Monday when his leg got broken. Of course, this isn't a perfect world, but you do think of things like that (at least I do).
For the most part I am ok. I don't constantly think of Malachi (who has time with three other children). And that bothers me. I know I shouldn't be consumed with thoughts of him, but sometimes I feel like I should think about him more. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm being punished by my babies being taken away and with Cuddly Boys leg. Maybe I'm not a good enough mom. I yell too much and don't discipline properly. I don't get down on the floor and constantly play with them. Sometimes I spend more time on the computer than doing things with my family. All of this eats away at me at times and I wonder if I'm just not cut out to be a mom and if I will even be blessed with more babies. I'm having the hardest time even picturing anymore babies in our family and that bothers me too. I'm fearful to get pregnant again (and don't anticipate 'trying' for awhile), but at the same time my heart and arms ache to hold a baby- MY baby- in my arms. I keep hearing news of other ladies expecting, and while I'm thrilled I'm also angry, jealous and sad. Why them? Why not me? Am I undeserving? Then all of that guilt sets in again about possibly not being a good enough mother. Or wife. I know there are things I should be doing that I don't do. There are things I do that I shouldn't. I know it all and yet I can't seem to change. Will I ever change? I know God wants better things of me, but how? When will I wake up and change my ways? You'd think I'd already have had a wake-up call.
Sometimes I feel forgotten. So many phone calls, cards, emails, visits in the 'thick' of our storm. But now? My phone barely rings. My inbox isn't as full. Visits? What are those? You see, my heart still hurts for the one I lost. Like I stated earlier, I feel like everybody else has forgotten. They don't have to live with the knowledge that their body is not as it should be. Which is a whole other problem of mine. I feel so fat. I hate my body. After all, it can't seem to continue a pregnancy when it should. My thighs are becoming thunderous...every step I feel like the boom, boom, boom gets louder. My waist disgusts me. Normally I have a baby, nurse and am tiny. Well, the past two times I've been pregnant, lost the baby, and while not gaining too much weight, I've also not been able to lose it. And it makes me mad. If I'm not pregnant, then I want to be skinny and to feel good about my body.
Another thing that has been bothering me is my social life, or lack thereof. What is a social life? How do homeschool moms socialize??? I know there are park days, field trips, etc, but what if those don't work out? I think I feel lonely. You see, in North Carolina and North Dakota I had close friends. Sometimes I think I have them here, but not always. Well, my friend, Angie, has been a dear to me and always calls to check up on me (and I appreciate that, Ange). But she's moving this summer. So, then what? Why can't I seem to just have at least 1 good friend. Somebody to talk to when times are tough. Somebody to pop in on spur of the moment. To share lunches, play dates, laughs and tears? In NC I had a friend, Kim. We were always together- our children always playing. I know life is busier as I have added on a child since then, in addition to having 'school' now, but homeschool moms still have close friends, don't they? Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I miss my friends, my family, my babies. I feel inadequate in my life right now, like I just can't get a handle on things and do what I should be doing.
I just wanted to be honest. On the outside, I look ok. I look normal and sound like things are fine. And sometimes they are. But, I just feel such an inner battle right now. And I hate it. And I hate that I'm burdening you all with more of my woes. Well, if you don't like it, then just quit reading my blog...because its MY blog!
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