Dear Malachi,
Has it really been 6 months since I delivered your tiny body into this world? Has it really been 6 months since I held your lifeless body in my hands? I don't know where the time has gone. We went to visit your grave yesterday. Your sister and brothers like to talk to you there. I think they feel closer to you. They like to tell you what they've been doing. They tell you how much they love you and how cute you are and that they wish you were here. Your sister asked if you would be here now, if you hadn't died. I told her yes. You would be about a month old.
As I was lying in bed last night I began to wonder what you would look like. I imagine you to have fairer skin and sweet baby blue eyes. What would it feel like to hold you in my arms? To look into your precious baby blue eyes as you nursed? What would life have in store for us if you were here? I am certain that we would all be in awe of you and that we'd be fighting over who got to hold you next. We miss you.
It has been so long since we've had a baby in our home and sometimes it seems like we never will. I know if God wants us to we will. At times I think I'm ready and at times I think its the craziest idea ever. But God knows and it is all in His hands. But sometimes I feel like I don't want a baby because I feel like I was robbed of not having you. Then there are other times when I am content with what has happened, knowing that God had His hand in it all. Sometimes I feel like I don't or haven't grieved like maybe I should. But other times I cry tears of grief as I think about you. Every month around the 8th I am really emotional and it is because I miss you so much. I wish I could hold you, kiss you and love you.
But as I told your siblings, you are in the best place~ heaven. And we will see you someday. And since the day we found out you were no longer alive I've known that God has something bigger in store. He gives and takes away. I am blessed that He gave you for such a short time as He did. Even though we never got to know you outside of the womb, our lives are changed by you. You are just as much part of the family as the rest of us. Same with your brother or sister who is up in heaven with you.
I wonder if God gives you glimpses of us down here. Do you see a mommy and daddy who love you and who loved you even in death? Do you see a sister and brothers who miss knowing who you are?
And about that bigger picture...It is amazing how we can see a glimpse of it. We would not be adopting if it weren't for your sweet little life and death. We would have not seen this part of God's heart had we not gone through this journey with you. And I know that this is only a part of His plan and the picture He has for us. I still wish you were a part of it here on earth with us, but I also marvel at the fact that you are face to face with Jesus.
I love you my sweet boy. We all love you. I miss you with every core of my being. I look forward to the day I will meet you. Please tell your brother or sister the same. He or she would be 6 months old already! Not a day goes by that I don't think of both of you. My arms ache to hold you each close to my bosom and to rejoice in our reunion.
Love with all my heart,
Mommy
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