Thoughts August 17, 2006

Warning: This post may be long. I have many thoughts running through my head that I would like to get out and this is one way of doing it...

First of all, why do some people hold stay-at-home homeschooling mom's up on a pedestal. I know this is rarely the case, but some people just look at us and think we have it all together. We have the most well-behaved children. We have the tidiest house. We have the most patience. The past two days I have been bombarded with comments of this nature. Boy, I must have my hands full. Yes, I am busy with my three children, but not overly busy. I do have time to play on the computer, read and do things I like to do. My husband is wonderful when it comes to letting me get out for a needed break (of which I've had two this week). When I mentioned to one person that I am in a homeschool group she commented on H getting 'socialized'. This was while my children were at McDonald's and playing with her children and some others we didn't know. Did my children look unsocialized? They looked like any 'normal, socialized, public school kid' to me! I must have patience. Far from it. I swear that is the one thing I lack the most of. I'm sure we all do, but I feel I fail at this constantly. The littlest thing seems to tickle my fancy and test my patience. I know some mom's have more patience than others. But I am the one that has little of it. Why does this job have to be so difficult? Why can't it be an easy road to travel, to live righteously and show our children a Godly example. We can talk until we're blue in the face about God and how to live, but it has to come by our example. I feel I fail miserably at this. I fear for my children. I know I am doing better than some parents out there, but I also know I can do much better. I want to hit that target smack dab in the middle every time. I keep praying and seeking the Word on how to get better at this yet it just seems it is the same thing every day. As soon as I hear one of the kids stir in the morning I ask God for patience in dealing with them. For gentleness and love. Then I find myself within the first half an hour of waking up getting impatient for their indeciveness over what they want for breakfast or their disobedience in not following directions on making their beds and getting dressed. Boy, it is HARD to be a parent! But I also know that God designed me to be a mom. Sure, I have a social work degree. Whoopee. I don't care. You can have it! I know I am called to be a mother. So I know that God will use me and work in my life to be that mother, even if it takes years to learn. I guess if there weren't bumps in the road the ride wouldn't be an adventure.

Then is the whole losing my baby thing. Usually I seem okay with it, but then I am busy most of the day with three rambunctious children. When I am not busy I am on the computer, reading my Bible or a book or planning the next day's school lessons. Sometimes I am on the phone. So, usually I don't have time to think about it and dwell on it. But there are times when it just BAM hits me square in the noggin. And I just can't take it. All of the emotions come back at once. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Why? Why did it happen? Why can't I hold my baby? Why does God need the baby? What if this happens again? What if I can't get pregnant again? What if... It is endless. I just want my baby. I desire to hold that little child in my arms all nuzzled against my breast. I want to look into that child's eyes and let them see the love I have for them. I want to smell that downy head as I lie in bed with them. I want to smile at the little noises and grunts they make. I want to... Oh, I am SO SAD. My heart just breaks. I want MY BABY in MY ARMS.

So this is today's rant from a hormonal, imbalanced, impatient, run of the mill mother.