Losing "It" August 15, 2006

What is "it"? Everything. I seem to be losing everything. I just want to hide in a closet and weep and be alone. I seem to lose it at every little thing. I'm sure it is hormones. My body was pregnant, now all of a sudden it isn't and I have to deal with all of the hormones again. Plus the grief. Sometimes I feel like I am 'fine', but I also feel like sometimes maybe I'm not dealing with my baby being gone like I should. I think some people think I need to forget about it and move on, that I'll have more babies. I know that. But that doesn't ease the pain of losing this baby that was a part of me. I received the sweetest email today from a lady named Joy in one of my Yahoo Groups. Boy, did it impact me. I want to share it:

Jamie, I realized I haven't told you something very important (something most didn't say to me unless they had lost one too). I'm very sorry about the loss of your precious baby. If I could, I would come to your home, light a candle, sing a song or two in sweet memory. Then let you tell me how you found out you were carrying a little one; how you spread the news...If you thought it was a boy or girl..What names you picked out...What dreams you had for that wonderful little life. It was a baby...A precious little one. And now, though it is gone, will never be gone from your heart.Recentlly, I was listening to a song. I saw a vision of my four children I lost. The first was our first son, Joshua David who would be almost 9 now. Then there were three little girls playing with him, as he gingerly cared for them with sweet fragility and eloquence. He looked at me and smiled as if to say.."We are okay Mommy.' (and for sure he had a simple confidence I lack as a mom even now).Just think, Jaime...This little one already knows you are her/his mommy. Already knows the sweet smell of Jesus. Already knows no pain...Sorrow...And......... I once heard it said so sweetly..One day, they will wipe away our tears from our eyes; tears they have never had to shed.I know these days are not easy. The best gift you can give yourself is tears. Tears and sorrow admit to your heart that it is true--that life was precious to you. May He bless you with sweet rain of tears.

Isn't that just so sweet? What thoughtfulness! I have never met this lady and yet she has encouraged me in such a way that I will never forget! On another note, a dear friend that I met at an Above Rubies retreat (we were roommates together) emailed telling me that she is now experiencing what I just went through last week. Oh, how my heart is breaking for her! I wish this all upon no one! So please lift up Hollie in your prayers. I wish I could drive there and just hold her and cry with her.

But, what has got me ignited? Today the dog ran into the house with muddy feet and there was mud EVERYWHERE so I had to mop. The floor really needed to be mopped anyway, I kept putting it off, but I did not feel like doing it then. At least now I have a clean floor. Um, wait...I mean had. At lunchtime my almost 2 year old cranky boy with the snotty nose decided to spill his milk. Not once but twice. Oh, I about came unglued. I know it is normal and my house doesn't have to be perfect. But to spill milk so soon after being mopped? Oh, it just irritated me. Everything irritates me just like that lately. Good thing I am getting out tonight- childless! I need it or I swear I will about bash my head into a wall!