Well, it's Christmas

Here we are, Christmas is almost behind us.  I've been thinking of so many of you, my dear friends, today.  I have friend who's babies have died or mothers, or someone close to them this year and it's you who's been on my heart.  I've also thought about my own baby.  As I was singing to my sweet A tonight, putting her to sleep, I began crying as I thought about how I could also be singing to my sweet little Nathaniel.  I about busted up crying in church last night, thinking how it'd be his first Christmas and seeing other little babies who were celebrating their first Christmas.  It is just not easy, is it?  As we ate dinner I pondered how I'd maybe be nursing our little babe at the same time.  It was a busy morning with presents and a quiet day otherwise, but there were moments where I thought of my precious baby and wondered how this day would be different with him here.  I'm really thankful this year is almost over...2010 has been a very difficult trying year.  I'm praying 2011 will be filled with so many wonderful, new beginnings.  God is good.  I'm thankful for all He's taught me this year through losing Nathaniel.  I just pray I always remember and carry the things with me.  Merry Christmas to you all!  I say this with a somewhat heavy heart as I know it's maybe not as merry as it 'could' be. 

Ornaments

This first one, it's hard to read.  On one side it says Nathaniel Larry.  On the other the date, June 3, 2010.  I made this at a Grief Symposium I attended.

The G is for baby "Grace", the M for Malachi.  What great additions to our tree this year!  For me not being very craftsy I'm proud of how they turned out!

Just when you thought it was easy...

Today was a difficult day in church.  There were many times I just wanted to burst out crying.  Through Christmas songs, through the sermon, you name it and I could've lost it.  I really had to hold back on the tears.  In part I was thinking of the baby Jesus, born simply to die for me and you, and how awesome His story is.  I was also thinking about some people in our church who lost spouses this year, namely a young gal whose husband passed of cancer.  In another sense I was thinking how this "would" be my baby's first Christmas and how joyous it would be.  I thought how I'd be gazing into his little face while singing, "Joy to the World" and just feeling such awe at another new life, another child to raise.  Alas, my arms were empty and my heart a bit sad, but how can I still not have hope when I hear the story of Jesus?  I'm thankful I can hope in Him.  Remember to thank Him this Christmas season.  He truly is the Reason.  The reason to live, the reason to hope, the reason to love.  Merry Christmas, friends!

This n That

The past couple of days have been a bit more difficult for some reason.  Last night my children had their Christmas program.  As I lay in bed, I pondered how different the day would have been had our baby been here too.  I was already busy with doing school, getting dinner, baking something for the program and getting the kiddos ready.  I was thinking how much more work it would have been with a newborn- trying to fit in feedings and all!  But I would love that!  Just little things sometimes hit you...how you'd have another child to bundle up to go out in the cold.  Or how our room would be different if we had a cradle in it...with a new baby sleeping next to us.  Last night I was wishing I could nurse my baby boy and hold him close.  I was imagining him gazing up at my face as he nursed...his precious little face.  I was even thinking about how after I have a baby I sweat like crazy at night and how I'd probably still be doing that!!!

Thursday night I went out with the Mommies with Hope group and made Christmas decorations.  Since I recently made one at another function for Nathaniel and didn't have any for my other babies I made one for each of them.  When I get them back I'll post a picture of them.  I thought maybe it'd be hard to do, but the group of ladies made it great.  It's crazy to think that a bunch of ladies who miss their babies can have such a good time together!!!

I wanted to buy some battery operated candles (three) to put in my living room windows for my babies, but the ones I looked at so far were so ugly!  I know they'd be hidden in a window, but still, I didn't want something so ugly!  I'm hoping to browse a few other stores at some point.

Something's Missing

Monday my husband took a picture of the kids in front of the tree when I wasn't around.  When I got onto facebook I saw I was tagged in the picture.  It was a good picture.  But something about it stirred something inside of me.  I really realized how much was missing from that picture.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO VERY BLESSED by the four beautiful children God has given us, but you could see the gap there.  I mean it's like stair steps and then a very big gap- ages 10, 8, 6 and then 2.  It made me sad for a minute.  I didn't cry.  I didn't question God.  I just contemplated how that situation could be different.  Imagine how full our arms will be in heaven with all of our children around us!!!  There won't be gaps in photos or missing children!  I am healing.  Sure, I have sad moments, times I desire to hold my little baby.  Times I just want him now.  But, I have a hope that again one day I'll be united with my babies, and Lord willing all of my children will be there and we'll all dance at the feet of Jesus and continually sing praise to Him!

Missing the Time

I don't pay attention to time now as much as at the beginning.  That is a good thing.  Yet I also find sometimes I feel guilty.  Like I missed the 6 month mark...it was on Friday.  I guess I did blog that day, but didn't even realize the significance of the day.  This morning as I sat in church I got another wave of sadness.  That hasn't happened in quite some time.  There were just little babies e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e and I thought, "My baby would be maybe about a month old amongst all these other little ones."  And I wanted to be in that group of women too- holding, cuddling and loving on my baby boy.  Sometimes it stinks to feel so empty- where in my arms I should be holding a precious baby I hold dead air.  Or when my two year old wants me to hold her babies and love on them I can't help but think that I wish I were holding my baby, a real baby.

On another note I feel very fortunate and blessed by the people I've met through the death of Nathaniel.  I more than likely wouldn't have met these women and felt so bonded if it weren't for the events that happened in June.  As much as it stinks to go through, as much as it hurts to lose a baby, a child you never got to know, it also feels wonderful to feel something good from it all.  I can't stand the thought that the other women I've gotten to know have been through similar circumstances, but at the same time it is so comforting to know they know.  They get it.  So, to you, my friends who've walked with me these past 6 months living the pain yourself, thank you.  And I thank God for placing you in my life.

Being Blessed

This morning at our co-op Christmas practice I had the opportunity to talk to a woman who's also had two babies die.  It was my first opportunity really getting to talk to her and get to know her and I feel like it was totally God-ordained that we were in the nursery together.  It was wonderful to hear her tell of her precious baby, Daisy, who she delivered in January.  She is now pregnant and due around the same time Daisy was 'born'.  It was encouraging to hear her account of how God worked in that situation.  I shared with her parts of my story and I told her of a verse a dear woman shared with me yesterday, Exodus 23: 25, 26 "Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span."  She shared with me verses about the Israelites drinking the bitter water in Marah, and how God then led them to the sweet waters of Elam.  She shared how she had to go through the difficult, bitter waters of losing a baby, but that she has peace with this pregnancy and how her sweet "Elam" is coming!!!  By the way, she's naming her baby Elam!  I was just so encouraged!!!

On another note, Thanksgiving was rather quiet and uneventful.  I made a nice meal and we just had a really lazy day.  I didn't get too 'sad' about it, but just tried to enjoy it.  Sorry I've been MIA a bit...just haven't had a whole lot to say!

The Big T

Tomorrow is our first 'big' holiday to face without Nathaniel.  Not that we had the chance to have any with him.  That's just the point.  I tried inviting numerous people over.  It's difficult living here.  No military (well there are military but they all are FROM Iowa).  No family.  All the people here have family somewhat nearby.  We tried to open up our home to some college students, but apparently they were all able to go home or elsewhere.  I remember in college various families having us students over for special holidays if we didn't make it home.  And those times impacted me.  I'd love to do the same!  I think especially more so this year.  I just didn't want to be 'alone' where I'll have the chance to dwell on it.  Not like I won't be busy- I'll be cooking up a delicious feast for my hubby, children and I.  But, the thought of the emptiness.  How I could be hustling around getting dinner and juggling a baby :)  I sure long for that!  Holidays just are difficult enough for us, with no family nearby to celebrate with.  I grew up surrounded with family on the holidays!  I hate that my children miss out on that!  It's almost just like another day around here, besides all the food!  But now, as we ponder not just an empty spot where one baby should be, but three....it will just be a sore spot.  But we'll remember.  And we'll celebrate.  And stuff ourselves.  I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving.  And for my friends who have lost loved ones please know I'm thinking of you too!!

It's Approaching

The approaching holidays haven't really hit me yet, although today was a bit more difficult.  I began thinking about Thanksgiving.  We'll probably be spending it alone, although we've opened it up to various people who may have nowhere to go.  It's hard enough spending holidays without family, but when there's an emptiness, when you know you should also have a new family member to celebrate the day, it makes it even more difficult.  Then this afternoon I was walking around Kohl's.  I had to walk past the baby section to get to my two year old's size and I tried to not look, but of course I saw the baby boy "My First Christmas" clothes and tried to quickly turn my thoughts elsewhere.  Sigh.  Then I was thinking of a friend, who will be celebrating her son's first Christmas and how I wish I were also celebrating our son's first Christmas.  I guess there is no easy way around it.  I just hate that we have to be here and wish we could be joyfully holding our baby boy and dreaming of his first Christmas with us.  I know he's in a much better place and will be celebrating with the Reason we have Christmas- Jesus!  How blessed he is!!!

Saturday morning

I was just sitting here, enjoying this Saturday morning, relaxing.  We've spent the morning reading and playing with Lego's.  I've been enjoying hearing the sounds of my children playing together with Lego's here in the living room (normally they're in the basement playing but they took a big tub up in the living room).  It's so relaxing and peaceful, warm under my Packer blanket as I listen to the wind outside and the sounds of their voices.  And then a thought triggers.  How at this very moment I "could" be maybe holding or nursing or gazing at our precious baby boy.  To think of the added joy he'd add to our enjoyable Saturday morning at home.  How much more fun would it be to have another child in our home to love, nurture and watch grow!  I wish that as I sat here, listening to the children exclaiming over their Lego creations, typing away, that I was also snuggling my baby boy.  Oh, how I long for that day to hold my three heavenly babies close!!!  I'm so thankful that as I think about all of this I no longer get angry or burst into tears.  As much as I long for my baby, there is a certain wave of peace that washes over me.  Peace that can only come from God, as He's shaped and pruned me these past few months.  All glory to Him!

Comments

Amongst the laughs and cinnamon rolls at Bible study last night we also had some great discussion.  The chapter was about the comments we receive after we lose a baby.  I'm sure if you've lost a baby that you, too, have gotten some comments that have raised your blood pressure or left your mouth hanging wide open.  It is so hard to deal with sometimes, but what she talked about in the book was to look at the person's heart.  Do you think they say the words in love?  Are they trying to be comforting to you?  I'm sure most comments we receive are said in love and concern for us.  This is something I need to remember!!!  Especially when some comments still 'haunt' me!  We also discussed how we feel when people don't say anything at all- when they don't ask how we're doing or ask about our baby.  I think it was pretty much agreed upon all that we'd much rather you say something than nothing at all.  We want our babies to be remembered!  We want to know you remember we even had a baby and we want to know you care for us.  I know sometimes people don't know what to say, but even just, "I'm thinking about you" or "I'm praying for you" works.  I know within the past couple of weeks I've gotten some very touching emails, facebook messages, etc from people I never would've thought were praying for me.  You have no idea how encouraging those words are- such unexpected words!  This is a reminder for myself also, to not only reach out to those who've lost a baby and ask how they're doing, but to reach out to those who may be hurting and tell them they're in my prayers.  On that thought I'm going to do just that!

Whew, that was more difficult than I anticipated

Today I went to a Grief Symposium at a local funeral home.  I offered to go and help Teske with the Mommies with Hope table, but I also was interested in the topic- Grief & the Holidays.  I have been dreading the approaching holidays and was hoping to obtain some great info on how to survive the upcoming months.  Rather than much of a talk, they had different activities planned and it was very good.  We broke up into different 'sections' to do various activities and it was difficult yet good.  One of the things we did was make an ornament.  It was glass and we could put tinsel inside.  I wrote Nathaniel's name on it and his 'birth'day.  i think it will be a special treasure and addition to our tree.  It really tore me apart to hear bits and pieces of people talking who've lost loved ones.  Moms, spouses...and elderly man by me saying he didn't know how he wasn't looking forward to the holidays at all since his wife died 7 months ago.  I just wanted to break into tears.  I did cry a bit at one point and could've probably balled at other points, but I held it in.  I didn't want to lose it!  I'm very glad I was able to go.  I have a whole folder of information and I look forward to reading about ways I can remember our babies this Christmas season.  On a bit of a 'funny' note (funny to me), as the different people representing organizations went to the front and spoke a bit of what resources they offer I was feeling a bit like a social worker!  It reminded me so much of college, my internship and learning the different resources in communities.  On a side note for those who don't know I have a BSW (Bachelor of Social Work) degree.

A Story

I am not a very outgoing person, although as a child I was quite a bit more shy than I am now.  I don't really consider myself shy as an adult, but I don't normally walk up to strangers and begin talking to them and it takes me awhile to open up with you.  I prefer people to come up to me- then I'll smile and talk away!  Anyway, this 'story' is a God one.

At the retreat last weekend they had a prayer room.  It was awesome.  You could go in it and pray.  Also, each woman that signed up for the retreat had been prayed for specifically by name and under a specific fruit of the Holy Spirit.  We could go to the prayer room and look at the list to see what was being prayed for for us.  I went in the room and stood in line, waiting my turn to see the lists.  I noticed one or two women talking with people on the chairs and couches and then turned away.  However, I could hear, through tears one of the women's words.  Just four or five words that went something like this, "I lost my babies."  I found my spot at the table with my card, 'gentltness' (how perfect for so often I lack this with my children) and left the room.  I paused outside the door though.  I wanted to go to the woman.  But how weird would that be?  I wasn't eavesdropping, I heard only those words out of her mouth, through her sobs.  And I knew her pain.  I wondered if she'd seen the Mommies with Hope table, but figured she hadn't since I had been one of the gals standing near it during breaks. 

I decided to go back into the main room and eat my lunch, but the thought of her wouldn't leave.  I tried to search her out but had no success in doing so.  Then I told a couple of women at my table about her.  I just had such a strong burden for her and wanted to reach out to her!!!  Yet I didn't want to seem like a weirdo who was listening to her pour out her heart to some other woman in the prayer room!  What to do!?!?  What if I did see her again?  What if I didn't? 

About that time she walked in.  My heart beat a little faster and I told the gals I saw her.  They encouraged me to talk to her.  Each step I took seemed so daunting, and yet the Holy Spirit prodded me on.  I'm not even sure how I began to talk to her, what words poured out of my mouth.  But she was able to tell me her story, about her precoius babies gone on ahead of her to heaven.  I empathized with her and shared just a bit of mine.  She told how she doesn't really have support, how people at her church don't understand, etc.  I'm sure many of us have felt that way also!  I shared with her about Mommies with Hope.  She doesn't live near Central Iowa to be able to attend a meeting, she doesn't have internet at home, but she does have family in Des Moines!  I gave her my number, email, etc (and some Mommies with Hope info) and she did likewise.  I've been praying for her.  I hope to send her a card or make a phone call soon.

I don't know why I tell you this.  I'm not gloating- it was all God, His Holy Spirit.  Through our trials and pains, through our losses I think we eventually come to a point when we want God to use that for His glory.  I know after my second loss that was right away.  This time it took a little longer, but I eventually have reached that point (all praise to God).  And so, I simply desire God to use me.  I want Him to use my story, my babies short lives, my struggle through the losses for His glory, to help others who also walk this difficult road.  What have you done to allow God to use you?  Whether you've lost a baby or not, we all have stories to tell.  Don't be afraid.  Allow Him to move you.  I pray that in some way I encouraged this woman and that that will not cease.

Cards

We never retrieved the mail yesterday, so today there were a few goodies in there.  One was a card from the hospital where I delivered Nathaniel, saying they're thinking of us as they know my due date was approaching!  I was shocked!  How sweet and thoughtful!  It is great to see hospitals have such wonderful programs for us who suffer pregnancy loss.  I also received a card from my dear friend, Amy.  Her precious baby boy went to be with Jesus 2 weeks before mine.  Thank you so much, Amy!!!  It meant the world to me!  It's little gestures and reminders that bring a smile to my face.

Today I was talking to a friend on the phone (well actually I had multiple phone conversations today)!  She was asking how I've been doing this week and said she's been praying.  I told her how it really hasn't been as difficult as I anticipated.  Of course being sick took my mind off of the days significance, but even the rest of the week it's just been...ok.  I've had some moments of tears and sadness but nothing what I feared.  Much of it is because of the truth of God embedded in my mind.  I'm just in such a 'good place' right now.  I was even sharing with her how I am finding the good in being sick (and let me tell you, I was very sick).  It is totally GOD that has changed my thinking pattern for the better.  Two or three months ago I would have been so negative!  He is so good, so gracious!

Not as planned

Well, this day didn't go as I planned.  I wanted to maybe write a letter to Nathaniel, which I guess I did here on my blog.  I wanted to maybe have the kids write letters or draw a picture that I could put in his memory box.  I wanted to maybe release balloons today.  None of that happened.  I awoke this morning feeling awful and it just continued to get worse.  I have the flu. 

I keep wondering why today of all days.  Maybe God just didnt' want me to dwell on today or to be sad about what today 'could be'.  With how sick I am I haven't had a chance to think about this day much, aside from the sweet comments, emails or cards I've gotten.  And that is ok.  I don't want to be totally sad, making the day totally miserable.  I know God doesn't want that either.  But I also want to remember.

In light of my sickness today my children were so well-behaved (maybe I need to be sick more often).  I went downstairs twice all day, and both times regretted that.  I've only gotten out of bed, outside of those two times, to head to the bathroom.  My oldest, who is 10, has been a huge help.  I asked if she'd take the youngest downstairs to breakfast this morning and she did.  From there she was Superwoman today- taking over the affairs of the household!  She put dishes in the dishwasher away, washed dishes by hand, continually cleaned up, made sure they all ate lunch, brought me breakfast (though I could only eat about 5 bites), made me a card and had her brothers do the same, etc, etc.  What a huge blessing!  I haven't had the flu in ages and I'm so thankful for that!  I could not imagine being this sick if I didn't have my little helper girl!  She is such a servant!  She kept coming to me and asking if I wanted something to eat. 

I had a few friends offer to bring dinner or watch kids, but I don't want to pass this on!  My dear friend, C, who I know through our homeschool group brought dinner for our family!  What a blessing that was!  Thank you so very much, C!

Zach came home from work with smoe medicine for me, as well as three roses- yellow, red and pink for our three heavenly babies and a sweet, sweet card.  I cried, of course. 

So today took a different turn than I had planned in my haed.  I can see the good in it, even though I'm still very, very miserable in bed!  And it is a good 'feeling' to see good in light of something bad!  It takes time, friends, but it'll happen.  Do not lose hope!  Please pray the rest of my family doesn't get this.  It is miserable!

Dear Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

Today was "the" day- the day we counted down to for 18 weeks.  Today was your due date.  Today Mommy is empty- empty womb, empty arms but I am also full of the love of God.  How I long to hold you!!!  How I desire to stroke your cheek and to kiss the top of your head.  It's so easy to think of what might have been and yet these past 22 weeks I can so evidently see God's hand at work.  He never ceases to amaze me.

I wonder what you are up to in heaven.  How old are you?  Do you frolic with your two siblings through fields so beautiful I cannot even imagine their grandeur?  Do you sit at the feet of Jesus and sing His praises?  I wonder if there is a window in heaven where you can glimpse us here on earth, if you're given the opportunity to see how much you are missed.  Not a day goes by that I haven't thought of you, my son.

The first two months after you died were so difficult to get through.  I really questioned God, my faith and really just about everything.  I kept fearing what would happen next.  I was paranoid.  I lacked any hope and barely hung on to God (thankfully He's always got a firm grip on us).  I was so angry.  All I wanted, my only desire was to hold you, my precious baby.  And yet God had other, better things in store.  I'm still trying to figure out what some of those things are, but these past two months He's sure been teaching me a lot and really growing me.

He always uses our difficult circumstances to grow us, if we allow it.  I've finally opened up to allow Him to and it has been trying, tiring and amazing.  It is difficult to know that something better may be in store when your baby is snatched away from you.  Or to think that God may be protecting me (or maybe even you).  But He is Sovereign and I have trust that, despite how difficult it sometimes is. 

Through this fleeting life of yours there has been good.  I am growing nearer to my Lord Jesus.  Daddy and I have drawn nearer to one another, and clung to one another when things seemed they couldn't get any worse.  I have met new friends, people who have blessed me in numerous ways and people I probably wouldn't have met otherwise.  I have been able to minister to others through my loss as they also have had their precious babies die.  It is amazing how your life, which was never lived here on earth, could touch people and minister to them. 

I am so blessed to be your mommy, to carry you for even a short time.  It was such an honor.  As one woman who I so highly esteem states, "A pregnancy is a visit from God."  He created you in my womb.  He knit you together there with His own hands.  It is amazing.  There will never be another you.  You are so very special.  To think that when our family gets to heaven I will have seven children there to hold, play with and love!!!  What a blessed Mama I am!  I anticipate meeting you in heaven- what a reunion it will be to see you, Malachi and Grace!  And of course to bow down and worship Jesus.

I love you with all my heart, miss you with all my being and anticipate our heavenly meeting,
Mama

What a wonderful word of encouragement!!!

NO LONGER WORRIED
I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize the Lord is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest positions He must give me His grace, and in the most difficult, His grace is sufficient.

--Hudson Taylor, missionary and founder of China Inland Mission (now Overseas Missionary Fellowship)

Smell the flowers

Haha, I love seeing my son, G, working on his schoolwork in the background!

Thanks, Mom!

Today I was heading out when the FedEx man showed up.  I honestly didn't think he was coming to my house- they never come to my house!  Lo and behold, he had a box of flowers.  I received 3 precious small yellow roses from my Mom with the sweetest note telling me she remembers our babies.  I was, of course, crying.  It means so much that people remember, especially in light of this week.  I will cherish the flowers and most especially the sweet note attached.  I love you, Mom!

Finding Joy?

You know, when I first heard about this retreat I thought, "I can't go- it's the weekend before what would have been my due date and I just can't do that."  Well, the more I thought about it the more I thought about how good it would be for me.  Little did I know just how good it would be.  I think if I hadn't gone I'd be mulling over the what if's and why's.  But because I did go I keep replaying in my mind the various things I learned.  That's not saying that Wednesday will be an easy day, or even the week for that matter, but my mind is on other things- those which are TRUE and PURE (Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.)  Praise God! 

Another thing that really spoke to me this weekend was about finding joy in all circumstances.  Of course I keep hearing this but have been struggling to find out how.  How do you find joy when you're told your baby has no heartbeat?  How do you find joy when you're told your baby is going to die?  We so often think of joy as a feeling...like happiness.  But it is a state of mind.  Lysa said we can't let our circumstances dictate us.  How true is that!  And how often do we do just that!?!?  She talked about how maybe God is protecting us from something or has something better in store for us in regards to "bad" circumstances.  Those are both things I've pondered through my losses.  And so we need to keep these things in mind and let God work!  It's sure not always easy.

I Am ABLE

Wow!  I am just amazed at this weekend!  I knew I'd have a good time, but I honestly didn't know how blessed I would be.  It was a wonderful weekend of fellowship and TRUTH, laughter and tears.  God is just so good.  I know I've struggled with saying that over the past 4+ months, and it's not like things are 'perfect' in my life right now, but He has continually been showing me so much- and so much of the same TRUTHS! 

I'm not even sure what facet to share tonight.  I'm so tired and am only going to share a bit tonight and I'm hoping to have more time to really blog tomorrow- and more brain power ;)  Well, the speaker at the retreat today was Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I'd heard of the P31 ministry in the past, heard bits and pieces on the radio and over the past months have frequented the site and Lysa's blog.  But I had no idea what an awesome speaker she truly is!  She spoke on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  One nugget of the many, many I gained today was in regards to the part of giving thanks.  I'm horrible at giving thanks!  I'd rather complain, grumble and stomp my feet at a task (though I don't always do this, sometimes inwardly I am).  Well, here's what Lysa shared, "Instead of saying I have to do the laundry.  I have to ______.  I have to _____.  Say "I am able to ______.  I am able to _____."  Lysa said, "We don't have to live our lives- we are ABLE to live our lives."  Think of how blessed I am to do laundry for my family, feed my family, shop for my family, TEACH my children, minister to my husband!  It really is a blessing!  I pray my words will begin to change to "I am ABLE to" so then my heart will begin to change as well.

To the Jeweler

First, when you're reading this I will be on my way to the Mommies with Hope retreat.  Please be praying for all of us ladies, for safe travel and open hearts to what God wants us to learn from the weekend.  Second, my BFF is always writing 'open letters' on her blog (which normally crack me up) and I wanted to follow suit (without revealing the name of the place)!

Dear Local Jeweler,

I came into your shop today so see about simply switching a charm and dangling stones from one pendant on my necklace to another.  You took each piece in the back and were gone for about 5 minutes working on my special piece of jewelry.  When you returned it was just the way I'd hoped!  When I asked if I owed anything you thought about it for quite a bit and then responded with a "No."  I am very thankful to you for your work.  I did not purchase my necklace from your store but had it made just for me.  You see, it is very special to me.  Not only does it say 'forever in my heart' but it also says the names of my babies in heaven.  I treasure this piece of jewelry.  You did not know that.  But your 'gift' of service to me meant the world to me, a mother simply wanting to 'hold on to' her babies in some way.  Thank you and may you be rewarded for your kindness.

A Happy, Fulfilled Customer

I have to say that trying to blog every day this month has had its challenges.  Some days I've felt like, "Now what do I say?"  Sometimes I have to go back to read my blog to make sure I haven't posted something before I begin to type!  I'm hoping I'll continue the trend of blogging here regularly but am not sure if it will be daily.  Well, I guess I have until Sunday to keep up with the daily business ;)  Have a great weekend!

Is Your Faith Like the Wind?

First I have to say that  I love the traffic I'm receiving here on my blog!  I have no idea who y'all are, though suspect who some of you are, but it is great!  Like I said before, if I could just reach one person with one word of encouragement then my blog has served the purpose I hoped.  Also, I finally figured out yesterday how to get comments emailed to me (duh, I have that enabled on my other blog, you'd think I'd have known what to do) so hopefully I won't be going back through posts to see comments I missed ;)


Last night as I was reading in bed I was listening to the wind.  It got me to thinking how amazing wind is.  It's so much like our faith.  We can't see it but we can see the effects of it.  It's been so windy here, as I know it has throughout much of the country, and I've seen lots of things blowing in the wind.  Garbage, leaves, flags.  I even watched our wooden fence being affected by the wind.  I was surprised to see that our umbrella that goes with our table on our deck was very sturdy for I thought for sure with some of the gusts that it'd snap in half. 

John 3:8

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."



How much is our faith like that?  We certainly can't see our faith, but we should see the effects of our faith.  We should be leading fruitful lives- not only carrying out the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, etc) but we should be fruitful in leading others into a relationship with Jesus.  Just like we see bent over trees and such from the wind we should see good things coming from us walking out our faith in Jesus.  I need to daily be reminded to bring forth good fruit in my walk.

Staying busy to avoid the thoughts

It's been one of those times where I think I've just been keeping myself super busy so I don't have to think about what's approaching- "due date".  I remember reading about this recently on the Mommies with Hope blog too.  I even keep seeing on facebook posts about people having babies.  I am so happy for them, but part of me hurts, but at the same time (so far) it's not 'as bad' as I anticipated.  But I think it's because of my busy-ness and trying to not think about it.  And I haven't brought myself to look at pictures- I just quickly browse through statuses. 

However, yesterday as I sat with my daughter and did her Bible time I just began to cry as I was praying.  I went on to pray for all of us during this time, explaining what day was approaching.  It then brought her to tears, though I think it was more the fact that she saw me crying, although she did ask why Nathaniel had to die.

It's just funny the roller coaster it is.  One minute all seems fine, the next something triggers a thought and I could be having a meltdown.  I must admit it is really difficult at this point to think that I'd probably be holding our little boy in my arms by now (I've never gone to 40 weeks).  Today I'd be 39 weeks.  I remember when I was even thinking of having another c-section (which I totally changed my mind on right after I really considered it) I was thinking I could have the baby on my dad's birthday- which was Monday.  So, it's not always easy, but honestly I just haven't let myself get too much time on my hands to think about it.  I guess it's a good thing I decided to go to the Mommies with Hope retreat this weekend because prepping for that has taken a lot of time and thought that I'd probably otherwise use on the 'what ifs'. 

They'll never be forgotten

Isaiah 49:14-16
But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me." "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."

Amazing!  We are never forgotten!!!  AND so often we wonder if our babies will be remembered by anyone but us.  The answer- YES!  GOD has ENGRAVED them, each intricate part, on the palms of His hands.  It brings me such comfort!!!!!

Power

I am so amazed today.  We so often hear about prayer and positive thinking that it almost becomes cliche.  But, I was determined that since it was a Monday and all that I was going to have a GOOD day.  So often we drag our feet about Mondays, don't we?  Another work week or school day ahead of us.  But I didn't want that attitude.  And you know what?  Today was GREAT!  My husband started taking a class tonight and so I could have thought, "Oh gee, ALL day with 4 kids with no help from my hubby?" (because he is a great daddy around here), but I didn't allow that thought to enter in!  I just kept pressing on, doing the next thing...doing the work as I recently read in an incourage devotional.  I kept thinking to myself that I was going to rise above, as I'd read in another devotional.  And I did!  Was my day perfect?  By no means!  But I look back at my day and I'm so thankful for it!  I haven't felt that way in a long time, folks.  This is amazing!  Like an awakening!  Slowly, I am healing!  Also, prayer...ah...prayer.  It helps!  It works!  Why don't we use it more???  Just a bit ago the thought also occurred to me of how I fell asleep last night.  Most often these days I listen to Christian songs that have really been ministering to me.  Last night I listened to the message Teske posted about on the Mommies with Hope blog.  I fell asleep at the very end so need to go back and catch that, but it was great.  I woke many times last night with a tickle in my throat, coughing away, and every time I lay my head back down my mind kept going back to that message!  What an awesome way to fall asleep- with the TRUTH resonating in my brain!!!  These breakthroughs sometimes seem few and far between, but ever so slowly I am seeing HIS LIGHT again!  Praise, ALL PRAISE and GLORY be to HIM, my JESUS, my FATHER!!!  And a Happy birthday to my earthly Daddy!  I love you, Dad!!!

Not Prepared

Nobody ever prepares us for the words, "I can't find a heartbeat" or "Your baby is going to die" or some such thing.  There are so many things in this whole process that people don't prepare us for.  Can you relate?  One thing is weight gain.  I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for a broken toe and was 16 pounds over my normal weight.  I never even gained that much while I was pregnant!  Then I went back this past week for an infection I had- I was 2 pounds over that 16 pounds!  That's almost 20 pounds OVER my normal weight!  It is so disgusting and frustrating and makes me feel so nasty.  Now mind you, I'm 'normally' on the "low end" for my normal weight so it's not like I'm even overweight right now.  But still- I certainly can feel those extra pounds and I just think to myself how I sicken myself.  I've had to buy new clothes and yet still can't stand the rolls hanging over my pants! 

It is something people never prepare you for.  They never tell you you'll gain weight after you lose a baby.  Yet it is part of grief.  It just stinks that on top of everything else we have to go through in losing a baby we also have to deal with weight gain!  I'm really hoping that I can start losing but it doesn't look too promising.  After all, the holidays are approaching.  I love baking at this time of year.  I keep meaning to head in the basement and exercise on the treadmill but then I forget and it just doesn't get done.  I was thinking maybe Zach and I should have our own 'Biggest Loser' competition ;) 

Have you experienced weight gain with your grief?  Have you overcome it?  What have you done?  It always seems I don't lose the weight until I get pregnant and have a baby and nurse.  Nursing has done the trick for me in the past...but I don't want to wait until I may possibly one day do that!!! 

The Gift

The pictures simply do not do this blanket justice.  It is just beautiful and so very touching.  S, my friend, has a similar blanket of her own that was made when she was a baby.  Each of her children also have their blankets.  How thoughtful to have one made for me by the same woman who has made them for her family all these years!  What a treasure indeed!

This is all that is says on the blanket:

Nathaniel Larry

When Jesus sent you to us~ we loved you from the start.

June 3, 2010

6:36 pm

You were just a bit of sunshine from heaven to our hearts.

26.5 g

11.5 cm

name means

a gift

lifetime verse

Isaiah 43:10

Not just another baby, for since the world began

There's been something very special for you in HIS plan.

That's why HE made you special

You're the only one of your KIND.

WOW, huh?  It is AWESOME and touching and just...wow.  You wanna know something else so cool?  The past few weeks I've been desiring, wishing I had a blanket from him.  I've just had a desire to hold a baby blanket of 'his' close to me.  I never told a soul that desire.  But God knew.  Even before that desire was born in my heart, HE knew.  He is so good to us, friends!  How He cares for us and our desires!!!  This blanket is such a special treasure!!!  Again, thank you so very much, S!!!  And thank you, Lord Jesus!!!

Friends

I have been blessed with some AMAZING friends through the years.  When you go through a loss sometimes we have friends that have 'been there' and get it, sometimes we have friends that haven't walked this road and yet truly seem to understand and other times we have friends who just don't get it.  I have a friend here in Iowa who miscarried her second baby over six years ago.  She has been awesome through the whole thing- truly a friend like Proverbs 18:24 describes it like this, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."  She is truly that kind of friend.  From the first text I sent her telling her my baby died, to the tears that have often fallen along with mine.  The various hugs she's given (and she is not a 'hugger') to the listening ear.  She's said the right things at just the right time and discerned when to just be silent and listen.  She grieves right alongside of me.  She had a baby 8 weeks ago, a boy.  We'd dreamed of our babies being buddies.  We'd talked about hitting garage sales for all the baby stuff.  We can imagine our two little boys running around, laughing and playing (when they got to be that age of course).  The loss is not just mine.  She feels it too.  Today she gave me the most meaningful gift.  I knew she was planning something to give me "around the time of my due date" but little did I know what it was.  I will share tomorrow a picture and the significance.  Thank you, Lord for such a thoughtful, loving sister in Christ.  Thank you, friend, for being that friend who loves at all times.

Antisocial

First of all, I'm sorry I didn't blog  yesterday.  I was having serious computer issues but I think it's all finally resolved!  Just a word of advice, totally not on topic, do not download AVG 2011!  I've used the previous versions and never had issues, but this one is awful!

Anyway, back to the title of my post.  Lately I've been feeling almost antisocial.  I've been getting out plenty to do things, but as I'm home I am almost fearful to go out lately.  I'm wondering if it is because my "due date" is approaching.  Maybe I fear a breakdown in the middle of people I barely know?  Yesterday I went to the park and I didn't really want to talk to people!  I had a good 'excuse' for awhile as I was chasing my two year old around the playground, but then I did need to be friendly with the others who were there.  I think lately I've been feeling more sensitive to things people say, even if it's people that have no idea of my loss, and so it's almost better right now to try to avoid that.  Have you had situations like that?  I'm sure I'm not alone!  Even in the wee hours of the morning as my two year old woke me up I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't get together with my friends today."  WHAT!?!?  I'm totally not like that!  I was thinking how great it would be if somebody would take my kids and I can just lay in bed all day, or finally get around to looking at the box I put the mementos of Nathaniel in.  Just a day to let it really sink in, to really grieve and to be able to allow the tears to fall. 

On another note, yesterday I emailed my husband about some struggles I was having.  I was sharing how thankful I am for Mommies with Hope and that there are people there who truly understand what I'm going through.  His response still brings tears to my eyes.  He simply said, "Well, I understand what your goin thru!  :)"  Just what I needed!

It just comes out of nowhere!

Grief, that is.  Yesterday I was driving to see my counselor in Des Moines.  Yes, I see a counselor.  I probably have like 8 sessions left.  I can't remember if I've posted in the past about it.  Anyway, I digress.  As I was driving I had to pass the exit for the hospital.  It just choked me up.  To think that any day now if things were different I could be on the way there to meet our little boy.  It just totally struck me.  Today I was thinking what a great day I'm having.  The sun is shining, we finished most of our school before lunch (that always constitutes a good day in my book) and I just felt pretty good.  Well, somewhere out of the blue in crept a thought.  I can't even remember what that thought was now.  Something about my baby or being pregnant or of that nature.  It just hits.  Out of nowhere!  I know I've said it before.  Before I knew it I had a few tears in my eyes.  I imagine I'll be this way over the next few weeks as my 'due date' approaches.  Which is why I decided to continue seeing the counselor for now.  It just helps to go and talk to somebody about it. 

Two weeks.  My 'due date' is two weeks from today.  I dread it.  And two of the gals in the Bible study I'm in are also going to be having tough weeks ahead...one was due a week after me and the other miscarried last year right around the same time.  So I imagine there will be some tough times ahead, some weepy posts.  But I just want to be honest.  We're not alone in our grief.  It stinks that others are here or have been here or will be here but it is reassuring to know what we're feeling is normal.  I can still say, "God is good"

We are USED by GOD

I've shared this article in the past few months and wanted to share this snippet from it again:

As he drew his message to a close, he posed this piercing question to mothers: “What if miscarriage was God’s means of showing mercy and love on a human soul, and if He chose you to be the honored vehicle to usher that child into eternity?

“Miscarriage is for a moment; a soul is forever.”



I cannot wait to have the funds to order this new DVD from Vision Forum.  I'm curious what Doug Phillips has to say about it.

What's in a Name...

This pretty much explains the name of the blog.  Our babies are safe in the arms of Jesus- where they don't have to face sin, tears, hurts or disease.  They were created with a purpose- heaven.  Heaven is their home.  We wish we could hold them, cuddle them and love them here on earth, however.  We don't know or understand why and we desire them like nothing else, yet God knows what is best.  It's sometimes hard to believe, but just keep hanging in there (I'm telling this to myself too).  One day I will see my babies again!!!!  Will you?

Why another blog?

You may be wondering why I started up yet another blog!  My 'normal' blog is private.  I was blogging every day this month for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month and I thought to myself, "Who are my posts helping?  My blog is private."  So I thought about starting another, one that's public and specifically for pregnancy & infant loss.  If just one thing encourages just one person who needs it then I have accomplished my purpose.  I do not want to 'take away' from other encouraging sites relating to these issues.  I do not claim to have all the answers, I simply share with you my heart, my hurts, my teachings, encouragements, etc.  I remember after I lost Malachi the desire that burned in me to minister to others.  After losing Nathaniel I didn't have that desire.  I just wanted to sulk in self-pity and deal with my own wounds.  But now my heart is slowly being drawn to helping, my eyes being opened to what God desires to do through me and through the lives of my babies in heaven.

~Welcome~

Welcome to my blog.  This is an account of the road we've traveled down in regards to the losses of our babies.  As I began to put these posts together into this blog I was amazed to see so many similar feelings from each loss.  I've lost three babies.  If you scroll through my blog you could learn about each one.  My story started in 2006 when we were hit with a miscarriage.  Here I'd always joked about my pregnancies before that- my first pregnancy I ended up with chicken pox.  My second pregnancy I broke out in hives from a medication and my third pregnancy I had a seizure in Wal-Mart.  So I'd always laugh and joke around, saying, "What next?"  Little did I know what was next! 

Amongst our devastation's and losses God has brought us hope.  He has held us.  He and He alone.  As much as sometimes I've wanted to run as far away from God as I could possibly go there was no way- I simply couldn't do it.  It took all my strength to hang on, but I did.  And some days, some moments I feel that that is all I'm doing- hanging on with a fingernail, by a thread.  And now once again, as 4 months ago we lost our baby boy, I'm realizing just why we have suffering.  I hate it.  But I know God will use it.  We can use every single thing we go through in life for God's glory.  It isn't always easy.  And maybe His glory won't always be revealed.  But we can try.  We can continue to get up over and over again.  This is where I'm at today...at this moment.  I know joy will come.  We have the promise of His joy. 

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. 

So, my friends, if you are experiencing a loss and you don't know where to turn, just look up to our Savior, Jesus.  And wait.  Your joy will come!  Our joy is coming!

**I hope to add more to the blog so bear with me.  There are so many links out there that have ministered to me that I would love to share, so keep checking back.  Thanks for visiting!

Remembering our Babies

Friday was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  This is what we did at 7 pm to remember our babies:

Four Simple Words Oct. 15, 2010

"How are you doing?"

Just four simple words.  Words we ask so flippantly, so often.  Yet words that can really mean so much to a person who is hurting.  Just yesterday as I was driving to the store I was pondering these words.  We tend to ask this question of people often, expecting their simple answer of, "fine, good, ok".  When we ask this, are we really, really wanting to know how people are doing?  It's such a formality.  And that is ok.  I am known to do this quite often!  I think also, our tone of voice can depict how we truly mean this question, as can our surroundings.  Passing an acquaintance in a store, we may say hello, ask how they're doing and move on to buy our items. 

So often people ask, "Hey Jamie, how are you doing?"  I am honest and answer "Okay."  I'm not good, not bad, just "Okay."  But we don't have a chance to elaborate, or feel we can.  Does that make sense?  I'm guilty of this just as much as the next guy.  Do I really want to know how she's doing when I ask her?  It's something we really need to think about.  It's something we need to practice- to truly care about how they're doing.

Last night I went to a Mom's Night Out with the women from our homeschool co-op.  I think most women there last night at least 'know of' my recent loss.  As the night wore on I was able to sit by K, a woman who grieves in a whole different way.  You see she has one child.  She tried for 5 years for this child and was blessed.  Since then they've desired more children but the Lord has not yet blessed her womb.  She grieves for the babies she hasn't yet been able to carry.  She can empathize, in a sense, my grief.  So, as our group began to break down into little conversations around the room she turned to me and asked, "How are you doing?" in the most sincere, caring voice, truly wanting to know the answer.  I answered.  I thanked her.  And I praised God for hearing the thoughts I'd had earlier in the day!

Strong Enough Oct. 14, 2010

It is so weird.  I've been going through old posts to add to my new blog.  While I try not to read things, I do catch bits and pieces so I know what is appropriate for that blog.  Well, so many of them sound the same as they do now!  I experienced the same things with each baby lost as I do now.  It just seems crazy to me. 

I told Zach I want to do something special on my 'due date', though at this point I haven't come up with anything concrete.  I do have ideas though.  Do you have any thoughts or ideas for me?  I was just talking to my mom today about the holidays.  Here I'm so set on trying to get through my 'due date' that I can't even think about the approaching holidays.  But today I was thinking about how hard Thanksgiving will be...and a fleeting thought of Christmas.  My mom is thinking about possibly coming for Christmas.  I think that would be wonderful.  I think it would "help" me so much to have her here!  Nothing like a mama's company, right?  But, like I said I really can't even "go" there. 

I'm so very thankful I don't have to rely on my own strength to get through these times.  I'm so glad I have a Rock, Anchor, Fortress, Strong Tower that I can ran to!  Speaking of strength, these are the lyrics to Matthew West's new song 'Strong Enough'.  It couldn't really sum it up any better.  This is the story behind the song.  You can listen to this song here.

You must

You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own


I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us


Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out


I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough


Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak


I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough


Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Waiting Room Oct. 13, 2010

Another song that really spoke to me that Jonny Diaz sang at the concert

Blow by Blow Oct. 12, 2010

Last night my dear A would not fall asleep.  She was so tired that she just could not stop crying.  Finally I laid her in my arm and began to sing 'Jesus Loves Me'.  I made it through the song two times before I just lost it and she crashed at last.  I realized I will never get to hold little Nathaniel in my arms and sing songs to him and put him to sleep with my horrible singing voice.  I just sobbed and sobbed as I held her in my arms.  Today I went to my friend's house.  Her baby is 7 weeks old.  A just adores him.  She was so eager to hold him, give him his pacifier.  It just breaks my heart to see her missing out on having a baby brother.  I found out yesterday a good friend of mine here is having a baby boy.  She lives down the street from me and our daughter's play often.  It's going to be another piece 'missing' when she has her baby- to think our boys could have played together also.  Sigh.  As my due date approaches I cringe.  I'm so scared for that day to come.  To think tomorrow I "would" be 37 weeks.  I'd be huge, uncomfortable and anxious to meet my baby.  Sigh.

Grieving the loss of yourself Oct. 11, 2010

I am hoping in my spare time (what spare time, I'm not sure) to make another blog that can be public dealing w/infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  I hope to 'transport' my posts from this blog onto that, even as far back as baby "Grace".  We'll see how this goes! 

On another note, reading Becky Avella's book, 'And Then You Were Gone' (which I've mentioned before) something really struck me.  She talked about how you're forever changed by the loss of a baby.  Obviously.  She talked about how you need to also grieve how you change from this- that you will never be the same person.  It just totally struck me.  I mean hear you grieve the loss of your baby, but you also grieve the loss of yourself, ya know?  I've never even thought of that before.  I mean I know I've changed drastically with each loss, but never thought about how I have to deal with my 'change'.  Just something I've been pondering.  I have to be honest with you that I don't like the 'new' me.  Sure, God gives us these things to 'grow' us and in some ways I have but in others I just feel so lost, questioning and searching, angry and feeling hopeless at times.  And let's talk about the physical- it is sickening!  I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Nathaniel and more than I have in well...I don't know since I've been pregnant?  It is frustrating!  I always seem to 'gain' weight after I lose a baby but c'mon!  So, I've been skipping some meals and such, hoping to lose some of it.  I need to start walking or getting on the treadmill but I seriously don't know when to do so.  It is hard to fit in one more thing!  Anyway, that is today's thoughts :)

Walk to Remember Oct. 10, 2010

Today a local hospital had a 'Walk to Remember'.  I haven't been to one before, and though I'd heard about it I still didn't really know what to expect.  I was anticipating it and yet dreading it at the same time- what a way to honor my babies but what a mess I would/could be!!!

We arrived and I filled out a form with our name/info and then walked to the next table.  They had little battery operated candles that say, "Mercy Walk to Remember" with an angel on them (Mercy is the name of the hospital).  They also had white roses with white ribbon where you could write your baby's name on the ribbon.  For some reason I just began to cry right then.  The lady across the table, the volunteer, just hugged me and looked like she was going to get teary.  It just overwhelmed me for a moment there.  We then went to a room where they were putting the siblings handprints on a mural type thing.  They're going to hang that on the Maternity Ward somewhere, near a room that they tend to use for people experiencing the loss of a baby. 

When we walked into the auditorium I could not believe all the people in there!  We almost couldn't find a seat and there were still a lot of people that had to come in!  It was overwhelming and so very sad to think we were all there for such a reason, that we've all lost babies, whether they were our child, brother, sister, etc.  It was also almost a comfort.  To know that so many others have walked this road.  We are not alone.  I hate that we all have to be on this path though.

They had a woman playing a harp, they had some special songs, prayers, poems and other 'snippets'.  I held it together pretty well.  In one part there were readers reading some scripture and the audience responds with a certain scripture (reminded me of Catholic church).  I almost did lose it then and couldn't speak aloud for a bit.  We 'lit' our candles.  We then walked around the 'campus' of the hospital.  It was simply amazing- all of us people.  I think there were at least 300!  Can you believe that?  As cars passed us I just felt so humbled to be able to do such a thing for my precious babies.  We had a picture taken in front of a fountain and then walked to the 'Memory Garden'.  There was a violinist, some reading and each person took their rose to the foot of an angel statue and spoke the name of the baby they were honoring.  Amazing.

I hate that we have to be part of that 'club', part of something like that.  At the same time I am so very thankful that we have something like that here that we can take part in.  I hope that while we're still here we'll make it an annual affair for our family.  I hope that the next place we move also has such a thing to honor our precious little ones.

Zach really thought this song was a tear-jerker:

STILL

music & lyrics: Gerrit Hofsink


I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind


And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start


Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face


Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again


Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you
And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true


Chorus:
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

The Reason for the World Oct. 9, 2010

I have to be honest with you.  Sometimes in life, in loss, I don't want to move on.  I guess the main reason is that I don't want my babies to be forgotten.  I want them to be remembered.  And lately I think God is telling me that it is okay to move on, that I need to.  I mean, I have been, but I can continually feel Him nudging me to keep going further- that it is through His strength and His hope that I can go on.  That there is a greater purpose in my loss, one I can't even comprehend.


Matthew West has a new album out and it is so amazing.  If you go to his site you can read about the project he took on and you can read the stories behind the songs.  Wow.  I kept thinking, "I'll have to download that from itunes" but then another song would be sung that I fell in love with and so I just bought the CD!  I'm going to share the lyrics with you from this song The Reason For The World. 


There are no words in times like these

When tears don't hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world


No comfort in the greeting card
Cause God is good
But life's still hard
and your heart just wants a reason for the world


Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home


For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his son to where you are
and he died
To give a reason for the world


So lift your sorrows to the one
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rests here in the hands that hold the world


Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home


Well I know your past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I KNOW you're faint and tired and lonely
from the road that you walked down here
But just keep your eyes on heaven
and know that you are not alone
remember the reason for the world


No ear has heard
No eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
A beauty that awaits beyond this world
When you look into the eyes of grace
and hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world


The words in bold are the ones that really spoke to me, although really the whole song did.  The bold words are what God is really teaching me right now.  You can always find the song on YouTube and listen to it there also.