Riding with the emotions March 1, 2007

Ok, so I keep updating you all on my physical issues. Which there aren't any. I finally sent out an email just telling people to check my blog. I guess I'm getting tired of answering emails and phone calls just to say that nothing has changed. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE that you all care and are checking on me. It means SO much to me. But, when things don't change...well it is so frustrating to have no news to report. Does that make sense? So, how am I doing emotionally? It depends on the moment. Right now I hear Cuddly Boy in his bed crying for a stupid clothespin- they call them clips and seem to love them. It is getting under my skin. I can't seem to handle the littlest things with my own kids lately. Every little thing bugs me. I mean I laugh at their cute antics, but if its something annoying or loud...forget it. Zach goes back to work on Monday. I wonder, will I be able to handle the kids? Now please, I'm not thinking of abusing them (or myself for that matter). I'm simply being honest. My hormones are probably so out of whack. My emotions are the wildest roller coaster ride. One minute I can be laughing and the next crying. One sentence I say I am fine and the next I'm having a hard time getting the words out because I'm bawling. Some people tell me that this is probably too emotionally draining for me...pretty much saying to just get it over with. But you know what? It's not constant. I have my good 'normal' moments at times. I feel fat. I can't fit into my normal clothes and who wants to wear maternity clothes now? It makes me mad. And I still have to get my 'normal' clothes out of the box and put away the stupid maternity ones. So, while at Wal-Mart I bought myself a pair of pants and a shirt...just something to make myself feel good. I don't care the brand, I just needed something to make myself feel better appearance wise. I'm finally 'back on my feet' with getting things done around the house. Cleaned the bathrooms yesterday. Back on track with laundry. Actually cooked dinner the past two nights. It is hard because sometimes I don't want to go on like normal. Because you know what? It will never be the normal it was on February 12th. Everything has changed since that day I went to my doctor appointment and now normal has to take on a whole new definition. And that is ok. There's a purpose I know, but sometimes it still makes me mad as all heck. Zach definitely has more faith in this matter than I do. When we pray about things together I can't even pray about this. What do I pray? How? Why? I know God hears, I know He has a plan, but it still stinks and I just cannot understand. Not like I'm supposed to understand anyway. But, it ticks me off at times. I know God will use this for His glory, but sometimes I just don't care about that. Does all of this make sense? I'm just being honest in how I feel. I keep talking about my physical state but I really haven't opened up emotionally. Tomorrow I will go to Gulf Shores, Alabama for an Above Rubies Ladies Retreat for the weekend. I wasn't sure if I should go, but they are my Sisters in the Lord. So many of them have already been a support to me, even across the miles, and I feel God prodding me to go (providing nothing changes physically). Some things may be hard. Seeing pregnant women. Babies. But I will have uplifting, hugs, tears and prayers lifted over me. I am a bit nervous to leave the area, but there will be a midwife there and there's also nearby hospitals. Ultimately I'm in God's hands and He will see me whether I'm home or there. See, as I even wrote some of this I was fine. But some moments I could have cried. I know this is normal for what I'm going through. It just doesn't make it any easier. Anyway, now that I got that out...